PWN3D IV

I’ve missed pwning the wretched refuse of MySpace’s male population. So why did I quit? Well, Miss Jones and I didn’t last, and though I sued for custody of our profile, divorce court awarded her stewardship. A crushing loss, I know (losing the fake MySpace page, not losing Miss Jones). And rather than nurture her child as a loving parent should, the heartless shrew deleted the page like one of those crazy mothers who drowns her babies in the tub. So why didn’t I just create a new profile? (You sure ask a lot of questions.) Because it takes a lot of work to make one of those pages look legit, and “work” cuts into my busy schedule of sleeping and masturbating. But recently, a new lady has come into the Reverend’s life. A lady who loves MySpace almost as much as she loves anal. *Swoon* When I told Crazytime USA about my favorite internet pastime of beating up mental deficients with my superior ninja brain, she leapt at the opportunity to create a new dummy MySpace profile. And this time the page flat out tells anyone who looks at it that if you send an email, you will be PWN3D like Kunta Kinte learning his new name. It reads:

“First things first, men of MySpace: I already have a man, so I won't be impressed with your lame cyber pickup lines. But by all means, go ahead and email them to me anyway; you amuse me. Just expect a severe tongue lashing in return. It helps keep my v3rb4lz sharp by pwning you four-inched flaccid waterheads that treat MySpace like the single bars of the 21st century.”

Yet still they come. Thank you, Crom. This first guy’s profile says he's looking for “dream chasers.” He's such a remarkable stain on the armpit of humanity that I have to post several of his photos so you can fully appreciate the tragedy that his mother didn’t stick a dust buster up her pussy during week six of pregnancy and suck this little parasite out.

Meet DAZZO

Meet DAZZO’s “special friend” Lake


DAZZO seen here dog-walking for Paris Hilton

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: DAZZO
Date: Nov 8 2006 4:03 PM
Subject: yowza...

hi beautiful....i like yourspace.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 9 2006 9:21 PM
Subject: RE: yowza...

hi ugly....i hate yourface.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: DAZZO
Date: Nov 9 2006 9:29 PM
Subject: RE: RE: yowza...

wowza...who took a shit in your cornflakes?? i kinda had a suspicion you might live in a trailor park from your profile pics...now i know.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 9 2006 9:41 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: yowza...

So you only hit on the girls you think are trailer park scum? Sounds like something an illiterate bed-wetter like you would do. I can't decide which picture makes you look gayer: the headshot you use as your main pic, your stupid rat-dogs that do nothing but shake and shit everywhere, or the shirtless dude you're feeling up in the club. Here's a tip – you're in public; put some fucking clothes on, moron. Now hurry up and get back to rubbing man-nipples with all those dream-chasing, shirtless molesters you have spread across your profile like rest stop diarrhea.

Ah, those sour grape hypocrites are always such easy targets. So are fat people.

Meet RUBEN

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: RUBEN
Date: Nov 11 2006 11:27 AM
Subject: hey

how are you doing baby. the things we would do in bed. id be fucking you all day baby

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 11 2006 11:36 AM
Subject: RE: hey

No lardass, the only thing I'd do with you all day in bed is watch you eat Cheetohs after you've prematurely ejaculated.

Damn shame Ruben didn’t reply. Had my follow up prepared and everything. I was going to point out the irony that a fat ass is named after a sandwich, then tell him Food 4 Less has a special on pastrami and sauerkraut.

Meet rene

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: rene
Date: Nov 4 2006 11:00 AM
Subject: wow

i would love too munch that ass for a weeki!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 4 2006 12:09 PM
Subject: RE: wow

Ass eating, huh? Guess you did learn something in prison besides how to make license plates.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: rene
Date: Nov 4 2006 7:04 PM
Subject: RE: RE: wow

they also teach you too spot Dumb ass hoe's who post eroti photos of themselves on a public venue then get upset when a particular reaction is provoked. thank goodnes for you section 8 and children of single parents.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 4 2006 10:14 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: wow

Rene is a girl's name.

Quick and emasculating. So satisfying. But not nearly as satisfying as drawn out and emasculating.

Meet Amo37

(or Aaron, as the court called him during his prosecution for exposing himself to a minor)

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Amo37
Date: Nov 5 2006 7:23 PM
Subject: Hi

Hi! My name's Aaron and I live near Burbank. Please see my profile, and if interested in what it says, please let me know.

Best,

Aaron

Despite what you may think, I don’t just push on everyone who writes. To earn my wrath, you have to be a) gross b) stupid or c) a tactless pervert. So let’s bite and see what Aaron’s profile says…

“Hi! I'm a midwest guy, now living in LALALAND. I work as an actor/singer, and I am well traveled and well cultured as I used to work as a cuise director on ships and was also a vocalist on cuise ships as well. I am also college educated. An exhibitonist at heart, I love to be watched by a woman while I please myself in front of her. Any curious female out there want to watch me, no strings attached? I'm single and unattached.”

This guy’s d) all of the above. Perfect.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 5 2006 7:29 PM
Subject: RE: Hi

Yo Harry Palms, cruise is spelled thusly. Though maybe your keyboard's so gooey from all that exhibitionistic masturbating you love to do that the keys are sticking together when you type. Thanks for wasting my time with your bullshit profile, Lamo37.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Amo37
Date: Nov 5 2006 7:32 PM
Subject: RE: RE: Hi

Wow...Live and let live...you are no better than anyone else in this world.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 5 2006 7:36 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Hi

There are plenty of people in this world I'm no better than. But I'm ironclad certain that I'm better than the douchebag e-begging to masturbate in front of strangers.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Amo37
Date: Nov 5 2006 7:37 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Hi

Nope. Sorry. No better. We all have turn ons. I am just more open. Ah, to be 21 again like you and know all and be able to judge everyone. How immature and unknowing.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 5 2006 8:02 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Hi

Yep. No apology. Way better. We all have turn ons, true. On a tangential topic, we all need money too. There are those who work for a living, and those who beg for it on the street. You're nothing but a MySpace sex-hobo, begging for pussy on the cyber-sidewalk. Have fun fucking your hand. Just be careful your mom doesn't catch you in the basement when she comes downstairs to do the laundry. Ah, to be 37 and a condescending fuckface. How irrelevant and gross.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Amo37
Date: Nov 5 2006 8:05 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Hi

Hahaha..Apology for what? You were rude to me first. If not interested, you did not need to reply and insult me. I am sorry if I offended you, but not sorry for BEING offended.

Night

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 5 2006 8:09 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Hi

I'm putting you in a bubble and blowing you away now. But do let me know if this form letter you're sending around actually allows you to touch a real live vagina.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Amo37
Date: Nov 5 2006 8:12 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Hi

Sweetie pie, I get lots of action. This is just entertainment. Sorry to burst your bubble. And thanks again fro being rude!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 5 2006 8:14 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Hi

Sugar nipples, copping a feel on your sister’s B cups after slipping her a roofie doesn't count as "action."

I wonder if all former cruise directors are as well traveled and well cultured as Aaron. Sorry, I meant cuise directors.