Fuck Jack in the Box. Has anyone ever actually eaten anything from that sack and enjoyed it? I know there are some assholes out there who will respond with , “Dude! I fuckin’ love their tacos!” Idiots. Deep frying a bundle of questionable meat product and lettuce bound in a corn tortilla-esque shell does not a taco make.
Only on very rare occasions do I fold and actually consume anything from Jack in the Box, probably on the order of once every two years. That much time between visits is more than enough to reaffirm my opinion that their “food” is nothing short of poison. Looking over their menu for this post I almost doubled over in agony from the psychic assault dealt by even reading things like “Sirloin Steak ‘n’ Chedder Ciabatta”, “Sourdough Ultimate Cheesburger”, and “Southwest Chicken Pita – no salsa”. I recoil in horror as my mind brings forth the memories the last time I pushed down a “Jack’s Spicy Chicken” and I had to put a damp cloth on my brow after reading “Egg Roll (3)”, the memory too ghastly to put to words.
Jacks’ burger meat is substandard even for fast food establishment standards and it’s taste and consistency is most inline with that of dirt. Their chicken is rubbery and tastes like old play-doh (not fresh play-doh, because that‘s delicious). Has anyone eaten one of their ciabatta bread sandwiches? Jack in the Box went to such lengths with their advertising campaign to define the taste of their new bread because without those commercials in the back of your mind one would initially believe they had ordered a stale fart sandwich. Sourdough Jacks taste like bitter dirt. Jack in the Box cheese tastes like air and their spicy chicken tastes like hurt.
Not only is their food of extremely dubious quality but also their menu decisions seem equally poor. Fish & Chips is decidedly British fare which isn’t bad in and of itself but why would a subpar eatery want an association with a country known for some of the worst food on the planet? Egg Rolls? Why do you want to associate your food with a country that regularly incorporates dog into their meals? Extreme Sausage® Sandwich? What benefit does Jack in the Box get from associating a breakfast item with the sweetest gay porn this side of Deep Inside the Manhole 14?
Jack, the Jack in the Box mascot, is a dick head – figuratively and literally. Freud would have had a field day with that asshole. Beyond the fact that Jack is little more than an albino nutsack with genital warts and a baby penis he makes very poor business decisions. Why would Jack fire that guy’s niece cheerleader when he could have banged her in his office? Who wants to follow a leader that won’t bang a cheerleader that’s on the payroll? Not me.
The bottom line is this: Jack in the Box food is some of the worst tasting tripe made available to the general public. And you shouldn’t eat at Jack in the Box but once every blue moon to keep yourself appraised of the low standard in fast food so you can better appreciate the Whataburgers and Wendy’s of the world.
I would say fuck McDonald’s too but I truly don’t have the intestinal fortitude required to brave an extended session of perusing their menu.