If you didn’t read yesterday’s post do so now since this post is a follow-up.

Ok, I made it through the list and I must say that I’m more confounded now than I was yesterday with what the list deems inappropriate and, conversely, appropriate by way of omission.
Initially, I had a “The more you know…!” moment when I researched why “Carruth” would be on the list since I didn’t know what it was and hoped it was some new and sweet drug or sexual act I haven’t heard about yet. Turns out, if you didn’t already know, that “Carruth” is there because Rae Carruth (also a blacklisted name) played wide receiver for the Carolina Panthers and had his son’s 24 year old mother assassinated in 1999 and was sentenced to 19-24 years in prison for the crime in 2001. So I kinda get why they won’t let you have “Carruth” on your jersey. Once the euphoria of learning something new wore off I realized that Rae Carruth isn’t exactly unique despite being unique on the list, where are “Simpson”, “OJ”, and “The Juice”? OJ Simpson related jerseys are deemed perfectly acceptable? I guess OJ was proven innocent...
Keeping with the murderers on the list, “Dahmer” is blacklisted as in Jeffrey Dahmer (it’s just Jeff to his friends) as well as the previously mentioned “Jack the Ripper”. I find their mention on the list rather ridiculous. I can see the beef with Rae Carruth given that Carruth was associated with professional football, but why single out Jeff and Jack? Where the fuck is “Ted Bundy” or “Charles Manson”? Hell, if the NFL is picking on mass murderers where the fuck are “Adolf” and “Comrade Stalin” on their god damn list?
Then I find that “He Hate Me” isn’t allowed. Ha! Some fucking gangbanger who had enough football talent to squeeze his way into the idiotic XFL, puts “He Hate Me” on the back of his jersey, manages to play in the first televised XFL game, and now he’s been blacklisted from every getting his own replica NFL jersey. Just desserts? “He Hate Me” no-no, “Adolf Hitler” yes-yes! [spit].
Another strange addition to the list is “syphilis”. I guess in some alternative reality I could understand why the NFL would care whether someone put the name of an STD on the back of their jersey, what I can’t understand is why syphilis is the only STD mentioned? Apparently, the NFL is perfectly comfortable with fans sporting replica jerseys bearing “AIDS”, “Gonorrhea”, “The Clap”, “Herpes”, etc. but they draw the fucking line at syphilis. Two fictitious conversations are running through my brain right now; in one a couple of guys are back-and-forthing jersey ideas.
“Dude. I totally know what I want on my jersey, yo!” “What, Dawg?” “Oh man, you’re going to be so fucking pissed you didn’t think of this first!” “Fuckin’ tell me man, come on!” “Ok, check this shit out, a Green Bay Packers jersey that says Syphilis on the back!” “Oh, snap! Why DIDN’T I think of that! Ok, type that shit in then! You’re going to be the bomb in that!” “Fuck!” “What man?!” “It won’t let me put Syphilis on my fucking jersey!” “That’s fucking bullshit, man!” “I know…” “Well, what about Herpes?” “Shit yeah! Herpes! …BOOYA!” [high fives]
The second conversation that’s running through my head is a boardroom meeting of NFL higher-ups brainstorming the list of naughty jersey words.
“Ok, Phil added ‘Glazed Donut’ and ‘Ass Puppies’. Good ones, by the way. Chuck added ‘Sperm Herder’ which I believe will be responsible for saving us millions of dollars in attorney fees. [heads nodding in agreement] It looks like Carlyle threw in, um, ‘B Hard’ and ‘Deposit’… [everyone fleetingly glances at a very retarded, brooding Carlyle] …which are very good words… You hear that Carlyle? You did so very good! [the bloodlust fades from Carlyle’s eyes] Yeah, everything looks good here, you guys want to wrap this one up?” “Wait, what about my word?” “Jesus Christ, Tom! Not syphilis again?!” “Look, I’m not trying to butt heads with everyone here but I know that if I was out at a 49ers game with my daughters and saw some knucklehead wearing a jersey that said Syphilis on it I could never forgive myself.” “Ok Tom, but what about ‘AIDS’, or ‘The HIV’, or ‘Ghonorea’? We’re just NFL higher-ups Tom, we’re not god, where do we draw the line?” [Tom stands up at the conference table] “FUCK Ghonorea! Put Syphilis on that god damned list or I will roll you right here! You hear me cocksucker?! Then I’ll fuck your wife!” “Ok, ok, Jesus, Tom… What the fuck crawled up your ass and died? Syphilis is on the fucking list ok, are you happy now?” [Tom sits quickly, a little ashamed] “Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry about that outburst. I just feel very strongly about syphilis is all… again, sorry. Oh, and that whole wife thing was really out of line, I apologize.” “It’s ok Tom, no harm no foul, right?”
Idiots.
Also, I threw up blood when I saw that whoever created the list misspelled incest and put “insest”.

The NFL will allow you to purchase authentic, replica jerseys for any professional football team with your own name on the back from this site (click Replica Jerseys on the left column). I hate professional sports but even I can see the merit in owning a Chiefs jersey that says “CUMBUBBLE”, “FUCKPIG”, or “LUCKYCAMELTOE” on the back. Der, right? Well, unfortunately, the NFL and their god damned fun police have put the proverbial kibosh on these and 1,119 other totally sweet words you would want on the back of your jersey. Faggots.
Recently a hacker kicked the teeth in of the NFL’s web server and got a hold of this list of no-no words. I’ve formatted and linked to the list here, check it out. The first thing you should notice is that while it is certainly extensive it is in no way exhaustive. Where, for example, is “cumstain” (or “Cumstein” for the Caddyshack aficionado), “bukkake dude”, “taint regular”, or “got rape?”? I just came up with those shits off the top of my head! Honestly, what’s the fucking point if you’re not going to get rid of everything our pussified society would deem profane? Apparently, there is also a trademark filter of some kind in place since you can’t put “K Mart”, “G Unit”, or “Jack the Ripper” on your jersey. Like, I’m sooo sure Young Buck would throw a hissy if he saw someone wearing a G Unit jersey… sheesh. So what I’m saying is that this list is half assed from a profanity filter perspective and ridiculous from a trademark filter perspective and if there is one thing I won’t stand for it’s anything done half assed!
I invite you to comment on your favorite words from the list and your favorite omissions. Please limit your list to a “Top 5” though, otherwise you would just cut & paste the entire thing and even though the entire list is pretty awesome that’s no fun. I was going to put my Top 5 after this but I made it about half way through the list and quit.

Hear me this! If Japan builds a moon base then my ass is moving to mother fucking Japan because I can’t live in a society that doesn’t have a god damn moon base. Knowing that my beautiful, petite Japanese brothers and sisters are living upon the celestial body that governs my glorious nights is enough for me to give up the Big Funky for the bright lights of Tokyo or other cities that may exist in that samurai and kamikaze infused land.