Yes! Fucking A Right. Does anyone here actually have the brain fuel to churn over the possibilities of an Optimus Prime presidency? No, you don't because that is too fucking cool for our fragile mammalian brains.
11.2.2004
11.1.2004
It is so fucking cold in my office. It's so cold that after being here for an hour and a half I can't feel my fingers, nose, or ears and other appendages are slowly losing feeling as well. Having not yet experienced the joy of my Great Gettin' Up Mornin' when my tormented body will be laid to rest (read: incinerated) and my spirit folds back into the ether I can't accurately describe the feeling of working in my office as "Dying" per se but I'm pretty sure that this is what dying must feel like. The cold has crippled my numb mind making the easiest of tasks seem mentally challenging. My office is generally cold year-round although, conversely, on some occasions it's like an oven in here and smells like cooking meat. The problem is that for some fucking reason my office air conditioning is not tied into the same system as the other offices in our suite and the thermostat is located in another suite on the floor. The other suite faces south and west and must keep the AC maxed out to make it comfortable under the mighty gaze of the Big Funky scareball. Since my office faces east once the scareball reaches its zenith and can no longer shoot its death rays directly into my office the temperature plummets like the Siberian plane. I've managed to survive since I only have half a work day of these sub artic temperatures racking my body. Today, the Big Funky is incredibly overcast and the mighty daystar can't pierce our cloud layer, something I'd usually rejoice in, but today it could spell my doom. A little sliver of trivia that I toss around from time to time that people often call bullshit on because people are stupid and don't think is that hypothermia begins to set in the moment your body's temperature drops anywhere bellow 98.6 degrees F. A 98.2 degree body temp means you're suffering from hypothermia, mild hypothermia perhaps and certainly not deadly by any means, but hypothermia all the same and if you don't believe me then you can go fuck yourself and then you can do some basic hypothermia research and go fuck yourself again (and if you're a super hot chickie baby and you didn't believe me until after you did some research then you owe me a blowjob). Because this site is unquestionably educational in nature, kind of an ongoing guide about how not to react to everyday situations, I'm going to outline the different levels of hypothermia and how one can asses if someone is hypothermic. This way when my blue colored carcass is discovered in here tomorrow morning only one day after discussing hypothermia in detail there will be a grand moment of delightful irony. First, the signs and symptoms of hypothermia.
a. Watch for the "-Umbles"
* Stumbles, mumbles, fumbles, and grumbles which show changes in motor coordination and levels of consciousness
b. Mild Hypothermia - core temperature 98.6 - 96 degrees F
* Shivering - not under voluntary control
* Can't do complex motor functions (ice climbing or skiing) can still walk & talk
* Vasoconstriction to periphery
c. Moderate Hypothermia - core temperature 95 - 93 degrees F
* Dazed consciousness
* Loss of fine motor coordination - particularly in hands - can't zip up parka, due to restricted peripheral blood flow
* Slurred speech
* Violent shivering
* Irrational behavior - Paradoxical Undressing - person starts to take off clothing, unaware s/he is cold
* "I don't care attitude" - flattened affect
d. Severe Hypothermia - core temperature 92 - 86 degrees and below (immediately life threatening)
* Shivering occurs in waves, violent then pause, pauses get longer until shivering finally ceases - because the heat output from burning glycogen in the muscles is not sufficient
to counteract the continually dropping core temperature, the body shuts down on shivering to conserve glucose
* Person falls to the ground, can't walk, curls up into a fetal position to conserve heat
* Muscle rigidity develops - because peripheral blood flow is reduced and due to lactic acid and CO2 buildup in the muscles
* Skin is pale
* Pupils dilate
* Pulse rate decreases
* at 90 degrees the body tries to move into hibernation, shutting down all peripheral blood flow and reducing breathing rate and heart rate.
* at 86 degrees the body is in a state of "metabolic icebox." The person looks dead but is still alive.
e. Death from Hypothermia
* Breathing becomes erratic and very shallow
* Semi-conscious
* Cardiac arrythmias develop, any sudden shock may set off Ventricular Fibrillation
* Heart stops, death
Here is how you can determine if someone is hypothermic:
* If shivering can be stopped voluntarily = mild hypothermia
* Ask the person a question that requires higher reasoning in the brain (count backwards from 100 by 9's). If the person is hypothermic, they won't be able to do it. [Note: there are also other conditions such as altitude sickness that can also cause the same condition.]
* If shivering cannot be stopped voluntarily = moderate - severe hypothermia
* If you can't get a radial pulse at the wrist it indicates a core temp below 90 - 86 degrees
* The person may be curled up in a fetal position. Try to open their arm up from the fetal position, if it curls back up, the person is alive. Dead muscles won't contract only live muscles.
Based off the preceding information I'm going to perform a brief self diagnosis of the level of hypothermia I am currently experiencing. Running down the list I'm most certainly shivering uncontrollably, I certainly can't do any ice climbing, and the aforementioned loss of feeling in my extremities drops me quickly into Moderate Hypothermia. Things get a little dicey in the moderate hypothermia area since "dazed consciousness", "Irrational behavior", and an "I don't care attitude" are things I experience regardless of temperature so I can't really count them. I'm not "violently shivering" nor have I lost my fine motor coordination in my hands although it could be that my numbed fingers are finding these keys out of wrote memory and thus unaffected by any other loss in motor skills. No one comes into my office either due to the cold or that I've threatened their lives so I haven't had the opportunity to determine whether I'm slurring my speech or not. While I can't cross off everything under the moderate hypothermia section I can't yet at this time cross any of the Severe Hypothermia symptoms off. Of course, it's not yet noon and despite how overcast the day is I'm certain the temperature in my already frigid office will plummet as the day wears on. I expect I'll be in the fetal position by 4pm if not sooner.
I'm sure you may be asking yourself why I don't just leave my office to escape this slow and agonizing freezing process? Well, quite simply, I'm a soldier in the apartment development army and a soldier doesn't leave his fucking post! Honor! Plus, it's funny to write about and I'll do virtually anything to get the slightest of chuckles from my readership including freezing myself to death.
I'll update the post with any further developments so long as my fingers continue to function. Like Mr. Pickles and Tank from The Matrix have been known to say, these are exciting times!
a. Watch for the "-Umbles"
* Stumbles, mumbles, fumbles, and grumbles which show changes in motor coordination and levels of consciousness
b. Mild Hypothermia - core temperature 98.6 - 96 degrees F
* Shivering - not under voluntary control
* Can't do complex motor functions (ice climbing or skiing) can still walk & talk
* Vasoconstriction to periphery
c. Moderate Hypothermia - core temperature 95 - 93 degrees F
* Dazed consciousness
* Loss of fine motor coordination - particularly in hands - can't zip up parka, due to restricted peripheral blood flow
* Slurred speech
* Violent shivering
* Irrational behavior - Paradoxical Undressing - person starts to take off clothing, unaware s/he is cold
* "I don't care attitude" - flattened affect
d. Severe Hypothermia - core temperature 92 - 86 degrees and below (immediately life threatening)
* Shivering occurs in waves, violent then pause, pauses get longer until shivering finally ceases - because the heat output from burning glycogen in the muscles is not sufficient
to counteract the continually dropping core temperature, the body shuts down on shivering to conserve glucose
* Person falls to the ground, can't walk, curls up into a fetal position to conserve heat
* Muscle rigidity develops - because peripheral blood flow is reduced and due to lactic acid and CO2 buildup in the muscles
* Skin is pale
* Pupils dilate
* Pulse rate decreases
* at 90 degrees the body tries to move into hibernation, shutting down all peripheral blood flow and reducing breathing rate and heart rate.
* at 86 degrees the body is in a state of "metabolic icebox." The person looks dead but is still alive.
e. Death from Hypothermia
* Breathing becomes erratic and very shallow
* Semi-conscious
* Cardiac arrythmias develop, any sudden shock may set off Ventricular Fibrillation
* Heart stops, death
Here is how you can determine if someone is hypothermic:
* If shivering can be stopped voluntarily = mild hypothermia
* Ask the person a question that requires higher reasoning in the brain (count backwards from 100 by 9's). If the person is hypothermic, they won't be able to do it. [Note: there are also other conditions such as altitude sickness that can also cause the same condition.]
* If shivering cannot be stopped voluntarily = moderate - severe hypothermia
* If you can't get a radial pulse at the wrist it indicates a core temp below 90 - 86 degrees
* The person may be curled up in a fetal position. Try to open their arm up from the fetal position, if it curls back up, the person is alive. Dead muscles won't contract only live muscles.
Based off the preceding information I'm going to perform a brief self diagnosis of the level of hypothermia I am currently experiencing. Running down the list I'm most certainly shivering uncontrollably, I certainly can't do any ice climbing, and the aforementioned loss of feeling in my extremities drops me quickly into Moderate Hypothermia. Things get a little dicey in the moderate hypothermia area since "dazed consciousness", "Irrational behavior", and an "I don't care attitude" are things I experience regardless of temperature so I can't really count them. I'm not "violently shivering" nor have I lost my fine motor coordination in my hands although it could be that my numbed fingers are finding these keys out of wrote memory and thus unaffected by any other loss in motor skills. No one comes into my office either due to the cold or that I've threatened their lives so I haven't had the opportunity to determine whether I'm slurring my speech or not. While I can't cross off everything under the moderate hypothermia section I can't yet at this time cross any of the Severe Hypothermia symptoms off. Of course, it's not yet noon and despite how overcast the day is I'm certain the temperature in my already frigid office will plummet as the day wears on. I expect I'll be in the fetal position by 4pm if not sooner.
I'm sure you may be asking yourself why I don't just leave my office to escape this slow and agonizing freezing process? Well, quite simply, I'm a soldier in the apartment development army and a soldier doesn't leave his fucking post! Honor! Plus, it's funny to write about and I'll do virtually anything to get the slightest of chuckles from my readership including freezing myself to death.
I'll update the post with any further developments so long as my fingers continue to function. Like Mr. Pickles and Tank from The Matrix have been known to say, these are exciting times!
