So I'm at another closing in Austin. Everything was going well. Of course, "well" is relative since my last closing saw me handling my own shit in a scatological nightmare scenario and pretty much anything would be considered great after that experience. Everything was going smooth enough that Il Duce bounced early this morning and left me to take a cab to the closing to finish things up. I was standing outside the hotel talking to one of my bellboy buddies and waiting on the cab around 8:30am. I'd been standing outside for almost 15 minutes since all the cabbies were being cocksuckers and moving slow. All of a sudden I heard the phrase I fear the most: "Hey John!" Normally, since my back was to the fuckstick addressing me, I would have just sprinted off down the street but since we were at a closing and I had my laptop and clothes with me a quick escape wasn't really feasible. I turned around to find Gangbang standing there. Fucking Gangbang, I can't get away from this nerd! He wasn't even a part of our closing but he managed to weasel his way into the closing dinner last night. Gangbang asked me if I was going to the law offices and if I had a car. I told him no, that Il Duce had the car but I was taking a cab to the offices. I contemplated asking the bellboy to call another cab for "the faggot" but decided to be the better man and ask Gangbang to share a cab with me. Gangbang agreed then added the stipulation that I join him for coffee at Starbucks before we left. "God dammit! I've been waiting on a fucking cab for 20 minutes you shitface I don't want any fucking coffee from fucking pretentious-ass Starbucks!" I thought. Out loud, I reluctantly agreed. So I followed Gangbang down the street to Starbucks. At Starbucks I ordered a coffee so as not to look like a pussy and stood in line at the cream and sugar bar. Gangbang managed to cut in front of a couple people which pissed them off and made me want to throw my coffee in his face. All we have is consideration, asshole, and you just flushed it down the fucking toilet! As Gangbang was pouring milk into his mocha fuckacino latte he turned around to me and asked, "so, what's the dating scene like now?" Boom. I was dumbfounded. What the fuck kind of question is that, was that a pass, does this cunt know it's not the 70s anymore, by "scene" was he refering to what happens when I get liquored up, pull my dick out, and blindly run around trying to bump into some strange? I stared at Gangbang as the 10 people in the coffee shop stared at me. Every ounce of my being wanted to grab Gangbang, drag him out into the street, and kick his chest in. I managed to mutter something about not really knowing how to answer that question and shuffled outside. Fortunately, there was a cab outside the Starbucks so I didn't have to stand around for long. Once inside the cab Gangbang continued his inappropriate line of questioning. "So, do you have to spend a lot of money on girls these days?" "Um, it depends" I answered, remaining aloof. Gangbang kept pushing, "So what's the most you've ever spent on a girl?" This unacceptable line of inappropriate, quasi-homosexual questioning had gone far enough. Christ's church! Who did this fuck think he was? My mother fucking friend? I pawed at the door handle, toying with the idea of opening the door and throwing myself into traffic. Gangbang stared at me waiting on a reply. I could see the cabbie looking at me in the rear view mirror, he knew what was up. "I don't know… a grand maybe" I spit out. "Wow, that's a lot" said Gangbang. Then just when I thought the conversation was over Gangbang asked, "So… did you get what you wanted?" What does that even mean? Was he referring to a hooker? Freaky sex? The question was phrased so ambiguously there's a good chance he was asking me if I enjoy sex with women or if I would prefer to have the cabbie pull over so I could watch Gangbang jerk off. Uncomfortable, the cabbie shifted in his seat. I inadvertently clenched my fist and squeezed steaming hot coffee all over my hand and pants. "Fuck!" I shouted as searing pain enveloped my hand and upper thigh. "Oh! I bet that hurt" exclaimed Gangbang. I was too busy blowing on my hand and pulling on my pant leg to reply. Dammit to fucking hell. I spent the rest of the brief cab ride fucking with my pants in an effort to avoid further conversation with Gangbang. It's not all that often when choosing between two options one chooses "scalding hot coffee near genitalia" but in this case anything was better than being harassed by Gangbang on the last day of this previously enjoyable closing.

I was on my way to work this morning and saw a troublingly familiar sight. I was behind a bus at a stop light, the street perpendicular to me and the bus had cars turning to run parallel to us. The street next to us was jammed and the turn light switched to red but not before one last fucking bitch got her fucking 4Runner into the middle of the intersection where it had nowhere to go. I realized that the bus in front of me couldn't move out into the intersection and turn around this bitch since the bus was too long to turn properly. My passions aflame I squeezed my unit to the left side of the bus and pulled up next to this dumb fucking bitch. My window was rolled down and I was fuming pissed, I yelled at the bitch (who refused to acknowledge I was there) "Who the FUCK do you think you are stopping an entire bus full of people! CUNT!" My personal opinion that public transportation is for pussies notwithstanding, it's one thing for this bitch to inconsiderately block a few cars out of her greed but to stop a bus that's full of people because this bitch just had to make the light had my taint quivering in rage. As I gunned my engine to jerk around this bitch I spit a filthy loogie on her window that looked exactly like an aborted baby. The loogie made me extremely pleased with myself, I hoped the bitch would have a really hard time scraping it off, then I wished that the bitch had been an aborted baby and not been around to block my intersection, and then a little glum I wished I had been an aborted baby.

I was in Las Vegas again this past weekend. The trip made me remember how irritating I find the place. Fucking cocksuckers pushing on you from every direction. My best night out was with Plug and our two nasties: Scrumdidlyumtious and Redcoat. I really only enjoyed that night since I got some video footage of Plug doing shoulder rolls in the Bellagio and then more footage of security really beating the shit out of 2 girls they had kicked out of a club. It was fucking awesome, outside of Bumfights and my vivid imagination I haven't seen girls in evening attire getting the shit slapped out of them. Really the only other high point of the trip was watching Bad Santa in my room through blown speakers. Well, I guess watching Il Duce thrash around in his bed from a night terror was pretty fucking funny too. All in all I'm glad to be back in the Big Funky.