Wow. I've done some posts when I was fucked up before but this last one takes the cake. I woke up around 1pm and remembered that I may have posted something since I remembered staring long and hard at my screen trying to discern whether something made any sense. In looking at the post I'm pleased to see that it at least makes some sense...

I'm not sure there's a metric equivalent to how drunk I am,

Ok, this makes sense. I'm drunk. Of course, was there an imperial system equivalent to how drunk I was? And I'm not certain, but I don't believe either the metric or imperial systems have a unit to measure drunkenness. But the point that I was drunk certainly comes through and that's all that matters.

but despite all that I know I still have hate.

This makes a little sense. Saying "despite all I know" seems to indicate there's a lot of information left out between the first part of the sentence and this. While the context of the statement is hazy it is clear that I was pointing out there is an abundance of hate in me.

Like a warm tongue lapping against my applebag an all consuming rage is all that remains.

Now this is fucked up. I've made a simile using a "warm tongue lapping against my applebag" and "all consuming rage" which is really fucking bizarre. How someone tonguing my balls is the equivalent of all consuming rage is beyond me. Am I saying that for most people all that remains for them is someone tonguing their balls and for me all that remains is an all consuming rage? If so that's pretty terrible, I'd unquestionably prefer to be on the ball tonguing side. I think I just wanted to say applebag and continue the hate motif logic be damned. I certainly prefer that more primitive explanation to the philosophical elucidation that rage has taken me over completely and all I have left is to stew in it while everyone else gets their shit licked.

Hollah at 'cha boy.

Always, yo. Hollah!

I'm not sure there's a metric equivalent to how drunk I am, but despite all that I know I still have hate. Like a warm tongue lapping against my applebag an all consuming rage is all that remains. Hollah at 'cha boy.

If it's not one damn thing it's another. It seems like every time I turn around something going on in the Big Funky is fucking me. First it was Hatesgiving, then it was Hatemas, then it was the Shit Bowl, now the fucking Rodeo is in full swing. I hate the fucking rodeo. I'm sure a lot of people are thinking right now, "of course you hate the rodeo, you hate everything mother fucker!" Except I don't hate everything, granted I hate alot of shit but there's a fuck load more shit I like than shit I hate. I just like talking about the shit I hate more than the shit I like. So fuck you for thinking that! So yea, I hate the fucking Rodeo. I'd like to point out that the Houston Livestock show and Rodeo is the third largest fair or festival in the United States. What does this mean? It means there's a whole shit load of people rodeoing around the Big Funky right now. Lots of mother fuckers in cowboy hats and button-down shirts with Indian patterned colors on them and shirts so heavily starched it's like they're wearing a god damn shell. Lots of bitches with greasy, curly hair dressed in jeans without back pockets. Lots of bolos and giant belt buckles. All of which boils down to a thick stew of potatoes and hate.
You know what they do for the Rodeo in the Big Funky? Well it starts off with a trail ride. It's a "Real"TM trail ride too. Mother fuckers take off weeks from work and ride horses and cows and shit from Dallas and San Antonio and all over Texas, blitzkrieging on the Big Funky like Hitler to Poland. Once all these mother fuckers get here the city shuts down major thoroughfares for them. I can't tell you the anguish I felt as I waited in line on a 3 lane street because 2 lanes were blocked off for some cocksuckers riding horses around. Don't these mother fuckers have jobs!? Once all the trailriders arrive there's a parade. Again, they shut down some desperately needed thoroughfares and local television stations to show this parade on television. The parade, already long and pointless to begin with, is extended by the fact that the bulk of the black cowboys and cowgirls in the parade will leap down from their mounts and begin gyrating and dancing around at seemingly random intervals thus holding up the rest of the parade. The Rodeo is held at Reliant Stadium where the superbowl was held which is in the parking lot of the Astrodome where the Rodeo used to be held. Outside Reliant Stadium and the Astrodome is a giant fair rich with carney blood. The world's foulest and subsequently most powerful carneys are on display, trying their damnedest to steal from everyone within earshot. And who is in earshot? Well, besides the aforementioned cowboys in starched body armor and cowgirls in pocketless denim there are thousands of teenagers sauntering around. Half of them are trying to figure out how they can steal a carney toy the other half of them are trying to figure out how they can steal a cup of alcohol, and all of them are strutting around with their chests out pissing on their haunches. When I was in highschool the number of stories about someone getting beat to shit at the Rodeo was as numbered as the Israelites or, for the less Bibled of you, as numbered as the grains of sand on the beach. There's no telling how many stories I heard about some mother fucker with Viking blood in his veins waylaying students from opposing highschools. The fair is a very dangerous place and virtually lawless. The Rodeo itself takes place in Reliant Stadium. After seeing the Rodeo in Las Vegas, it's difficult to call the abomination at Reliant a real rodeo. As I noted in my last Las Vegas post, the best thing you see at the Houston Rodeo is some prepubescent kid get his or her face caved in by a hoof during the calf scramble. Besides the fucking calf scramble there are wagon races and pig scrambles and donkey shows all taking away from the few real rodeo events. It's a mind numbing 3 hour affair capped off with a concert by some country singer. I despise country music so I really don't know any of the fucking singers. I will point out that though I don't like country music I understand that everyone has different musical tastes and if you do like country music then I respect your decision. Nowadays though, half the musical acts aren't even country, there are Tejano nights, Soft Rock nights, and even Rap nights. Snoop hasn't made an appearance yet but I know its coming and it chills me to the core.
So how long does all this shit last you might ask? Well, it lasts for virtually the entire month of March. I think I've even heard people substituting March with Rodeo. "When's your court date, Rodeo 4th? No, I shived the pig cop at a bathhouse on Montrose, so the court date's been moved back to Rodeo 15th. Fuck, yo, how are you going to pay your bills? I don't know, yo, I'm going up to the Rodeo on Rodeo 9th to steal some rims from the parking lot."
Fucking Rodeo… It's amazing, so many people ask me if/when I'm going out to the Rodeo and when I spit at them or even just stare them down they look shocked and surprised. The trailride is awful, the fair is awful, the rodeo itself is awful, and the concert is the antithesis of a cherry-on-top because it's a big, smelly turd. Someone should burn that place to the ground.