I just took a shit and the growler I was perched on changed my whole perspective on shit. I don't mean the toilet changed my perspective on literal shit, as in doo-doo, but that it changed my perspective on a broad philosophical level. You see, every time I flushed (which was a lot) the water pressure was so great that refilling the bowl caused water to splash up above the rim wetting my grundle and all the bits and pieces. Needless to say, it was marvelous. This little tease wasn't as powerful as a bidet since I still had to get down and dirty with the TP but it did make me consider the full implications of bidet use. More specifically, I began wondering why the fuck I don't use bidets exclusively. I mean, that fucking bidet cleans your nasty, shit-covered ass so your hand doesn't have to. Not to mention that it feels good, a fucking bidet is a tongue away from an ass eating. So I get a clean ass and a quasi-ass eating which is a win-win situation in my book. Not to mention you don't have to put your hand down near your brownhole. When I think about it it's pretty god damn crude that I have to use my hand and a wad of paper to rub shit off of myself. Imagine a first person view from your middle finger as it goes in for the first wipe, all that stink, hair, shit pieces, etc.... make you fucking puke. And when you're done all you've successfully accomplished is removing the big pieces of shit and spreading the rest around your ass to remain with you until your next shower. Disgusting. Using your hand to wipe your ass is right up there with virgin sacrifices and hunting/gathering. It's caveman shit, Yo! On the one hand is an ass eating, on the other is walking around with a thin layer of shit all over your ass. Hmm... I'll take the ass eating and I'll take it every god damn time. So where are the fucking bidets America? Is the toilet paper lobby so strong? Fuck if I know. The most technologically advanced nation in the world uses scraps of processed tree to scrape shit around its ass. Laughable. Stupid fucking Americans.
2.5.2004
2.2.2004
The shitbowl did not disappoint. It succeeded in making the Big Funky virtually unlivable, partially exposed Janet Jackson's tit, and capped it off with a respectively close football game and traffic like a mother fucker. I walked out of my apartment at 3pm on Saturday after I woke up and if people were orcs and orcs drove cars then I was in the fucking heart of Mordor and the Galleria was Mt. Doom. But I'm not here to talk about orcs or football games, I'm here to talk about Janet Jackson's tit (or lack thereof) and the grip this tit seems to have on the nation.
"I am outraged at what I saw during the halftime show of the Super Bowl. Like millions of Americans, my family and I gathered around the television for a celebration. Instead, that celebration was tainted by a classless, crass and deplorable stunt. Our nation's children, parents and citizens deserve better." - Chairman of the FCC Michael Powell
"offensive, embarrassing to us and our fans, and inappropriate." - NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue
Jan LaRue, chief counsel for Concerned Women for America, called it a "pornographic show". "We lay a lot of the blame with our Federal Communications Commission for lax enforcement of our broadcast indecency laws," she said. "We also hold responsible the NFL for approving a pornographic halftime show produced by MTV that was totally consistent with MTV's pornography that they produce all of the time. We don't buy for a minute that this was not planned. Everybody knew what was going on here."
I hate you all you fucking pussy-ass whiners, if I could, I'd kill you myself.
During the halftime show Justin Timberlake removed part of Janet Jackson's outfit exposing a breast with the nipple covered, and the whole god damn nation is in an uproar. It's difficult for me to put in words how ridiculous this is. My blood runs thick with hate thinking about all the cocksuckers complaining about this shit. First of all, whatever happened occurred in the blink of an eye. Second of all, last I checked a breast with the nipple covered is not nudity. If you want nudity, you can simply go over to ABC on Tuesdays and watch NYPD Blue which has been on the air with nudity since 1993. Ten fucking years ago NYPD Blue showed real tits and ass on public television but a breast partially exposed for the blink of an eye during the superbowl has people foaming at the mouth. Get a god damn grip pussies! I don't hear Jan LaRue complaining about the Visa ad that aired showing girls in bikinis playing volleyball in the snow, if Janet's exposed breast with the nipple covered is a "pornographic show" then 4 girls whose breasts were also exposed with their nipples covered should have people even more upset. Offensive and inappropriate? More offensive than the Bud Light ad where a monkey is trying to fuck a woman? More inappropriate than the Budweiser commercial where a dog bites a man's cock for beer, or the Bud Light commercial where a horse farts and burns a woman's face? [spit] Fucking hypocrites! Maybe I should complain about the indecency of Jan Larue or any other woman who bares her breast in public to feed a baby. "Oh no! Publicly feeding that baby is a classless, crass and deplorable stunt! Off with her head and toss that baby into the babymill!"
I'll tell you what this is right now. It's people who decided we didn't get pissed enough when Britney kissed Madonna a couple of months ago and were waiting with baited breath for MTV to do anything that could be misconstrued as inappropriate so they could start a new moral crusade. Fucking losers, using their children's "decency and innocence" to drum up support for this ridiculous outcry. Guess what assholes, the only people who got anything out of Janet Jackson's breast is the kids. They'll be talking about it on the playground for days just like they talk about the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and the world will keep spinning because that's exactly what kids have always done.
Get it through your fucking skulls, there was no nudity. If that was nudity then we need to reconsider what women have been wearing to the beach and at pool sides for the last 30 years. Maybe we should force our women to wear robes and cover their faces? That shit's been working wonders for the Muslims. Yea, and maybe we should run planes full of people into buildings full of people, 'cause that shit's worked wonders for them too. Michael "Osama" Powell and this flock of moral-police (read: terrorists) can kiss my fucking ass, and if they want they can come down to the Big Funky because I've got a barrel that would look lovely in their collective mouths. Find something better to do with your time, jerkoffs, than harass a nation over petty, insignificant garbage.
Addendum: It didn't take long, people now have high resolution close-ups of Janet's tit. She's wearing what appears to be a metal ring that surrounds the nipple and sun rays wave away from the ring covering the areola. While that constitutes more nudity than a pasty, I certainly wouldn't consider it pornography. Of course, to see this kind of detail you had to have a HDTV, an HD-TiVo or photographic memory, and too much time on your hands. I stand now more resolved than ever that this whole affair is much ado about less than nothing. If that's pornography I can't image what you would call movies of dudes throwing up in chicks asses, aka: what I believe the future holds for real porn.
"I am outraged at what I saw during the halftime show of the Super Bowl. Like millions of Americans, my family and I gathered around the television for a celebration. Instead, that celebration was tainted by a classless, crass and deplorable stunt. Our nation's children, parents and citizens deserve better." - Chairman of the FCC Michael Powell
"offensive, embarrassing to us and our fans, and inappropriate." - NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue
Jan LaRue, chief counsel for Concerned Women for America, called it a "pornographic show". "We lay a lot of the blame with our Federal Communications Commission for lax enforcement of our broadcast indecency laws," she said. "We also hold responsible the NFL for approving a pornographic halftime show produced by MTV that was totally consistent with MTV's pornography that they produce all of the time. We don't buy for a minute that this was not planned. Everybody knew what was going on here."
I hate you all you fucking pussy-ass whiners, if I could, I'd kill you myself.
During the halftime show Justin Timberlake removed part of Janet Jackson's outfit exposing a breast with the nipple covered, and the whole god damn nation is in an uproar. It's difficult for me to put in words how ridiculous this is. My blood runs thick with hate thinking about all the cocksuckers complaining about this shit. First of all, whatever happened occurred in the blink of an eye. Second of all, last I checked a breast with the nipple covered is not nudity. If you want nudity, you can simply go over to ABC on Tuesdays and watch NYPD Blue which has been on the air with nudity since 1993. Ten fucking years ago NYPD Blue showed real tits and ass on public television but a breast partially exposed for the blink of an eye during the superbowl has people foaming at the mouth. Get a god damn grip pussies! I don't hear Jan LaRue complaining about the Visa ad that aired showing girls in bikinis playing volleyball in the snow, if Janet's exposed breast with the nipple covered is a "pornographic show" then 4 girls whose breasts were also exposed with their nipples covered should have people even more upset. Offensive and inappropriate? More offensive than the Bud Light ad where a monkey is trying to fuck a woman? More inappropriate than the Budweiser commercial where a dog bites a man's cock for beer, or the Bud Light commercial where a horse farts and burns a woman's face? [spit] Fucking hypocrites! Maybe I should complain about the indecency of Jan Larue or any other woman who bares her breast in public to feed a baby. "Oh no! Publicly feeding that baby is a classless, crass and deplorable stunt! Off with her head and toss that baby into the babymill!"
I'll tell you what this is right now. It's people who decided we didn't get pissed enough when Britney kissed Madonna a couple of months ago and were waiting with baited breath for MTV to do anything that could be misconstrued as inappropriate so they could start a new moral crusade. Fucking losers, using their children's "decency and innocence" to drum up support for this ridiculous outcry. Guess what assholes, the only people who got anything out of Janet Jackson's breast is the kids. They'll be talking about it on the playground for days just like they talk about the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and the world will keep spinning because that's exactly what kids have always done.
Get it through your fucking skulls, there was no nudity. If that was nudity then we need to reconsider what women have been wearing to the beach and at pool sides for the last 30 years. Maybe we should force our women to wear robes and cover their faces? That shit's been working wonders for the Muslims. Yea, and maybe we should run planes full of people into buildings full of people, 'cause that shit's worked wonders for them too. Michael "Osama" Powell and this flock of moral-police (read: terrorists) can kiss my fucking ass, and if they want they can come down to the Big Funky because I've got a barrel that would look lovely in their collective mouths. Find something better to do with your time, jerkoffs, than harass a nation over petty, insignificant garbage.
Addendum: It didn't take long, people now have high resolution close-ups of Janet's tit. She's wearing what appears to be a metal ring that surrounds the nipple and sun rays wave away from the ring covering the areola. While that constitutes more nudity than a pasty, I certainly wouldn't consider it pornography. Of course, to see this kind of detail you had to have a HDTV, an HD-TiVo or photographic memory, and too much time on your hands. I stand now more resolved than ever that this whole affair is much ado about less than nothing. If that's pornography I can't image what you would call movies of dudes throwing up in chicks asses, aka: what I believe the future holds for real porn.
