So I came home this afternoon, jonesing for a steam. I ran upstairs, prepped the steam unit, and disrobed. Ass naked, I walked around the house while the steam unit was building up its steam reserves thinking about how funny it would be if I was having a party and walking around naked. Then I was thinking about how cool it would be to have a party with a bunch of Mogwai all dancing around and singing with those funky voices. Then I remembered that Mogwai can't get wet or eat after midnight and that would seriously cramp a party's style, particularly given how wet all the ladies get at parties when I'm around (wink, wink). Then I remembered that after midnight Mogwai turn into Gremlins; and just as I was about to wish that I were a Gremlin I remembered my steam should already be pouring out of the nozzle in the shower. Inquisitive, I looked at the steam controls, they read "Err5". Fuck! Error 5 means the steam unit isn't getting enough water. Fucking bullshit! Before I crawled up into the attic to check on the steam generator (still ass naked mind you) I tested the sink for water. Hate. No water was coming out of the sink. Even before I started wondering why the fuck my water would be off I started getting very concerned that I wasn't sweating my ass off in my steam shower. I need my steams, nothing sucks all the greasy, grimy hate of interoffice politics out of a man better than a soul cleaning steam. Furious, I called the jimmy responsible for making sure everything works properly in my abode. No answer. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I rushed downstairs to go and check on the water line into the house. As I reached for the handle on the front door I realized I was still ass naked. "Hmm... It's not that far to the water line from the front door...", I mused. Fortunately, better sense prevailed and I went back to my room to put some clothes on. Fortunate because when I did walk outside there were a few women and a handful of Mexican dudes standing around and I wouldn't want to scare the women with my giraffe neck-esque penis (because of the spots and horns, not the size). I wandered towards the Mexicans who were digging holes for a new fence they intended to install for the ladies. One jimmy was using a bucket to ladle water out of a hole in the ground, it didn't take long to surmise that he was ladling my water since the dumb fuck with the post hole digger had inadvertently broken the main to my house. I stared at the Mexican, he stared at me and information was exchanged through body language. He was telling me that he really didn't give a shit about breaking my water line and that he was more concerned that repairing the line would intervene on his being-extremely-lazy time even given how slow he intended to fix the pipe. I was telling him that I hated him and his fucking family back to when his relatives were monkeys and I was telling him my four-four would make sure all his kids don't grow*. Unfortunately, he wasn't reading my signals as well as I was reading his because when he did finally speak it was to say, "I'll fix it, probably tonight, but it's going to take a while." No "sorry", no "we'll have it fixed as soon as possible, please excuse the inconvenience". In fact, he essentially told me, "yeah, this sucks for you, my water works great at the shack I live in, hope all this works out for you." Inconsiderate piece of shit! What in the fuck could they have been thinking digging those post holes DIRECTLY next to the clearly visible water lines? It is fucking mind boggling. Do these mother fuckers understand how badly I need this water for my steam! Let alone to wash off all the scented oils! It looks like I'll be bathing in hate this evening.

*athankyou 2Pac