Already infused with a healthy dose of alcohol, Lucas, T-Bone, and I arrived at the Gallant Knight. The Gallant Knight is an old house converted into a nightclub, black owned and staffed, there is a black band crowded onto the tiny dance floor that pumps out oldies night after night, making it a great place for white people to go and pretend they have soul. My father tells stories about partying at the Gallant Knight when he was in his 20s. The last time I had been to the Gallant Knight was almost a year prior. A large black woman, Mamma Love, took me by the hand and for 30 minutes we tore up the dance floor with twists, gyrations, and flings that sent the crowd into raucous fits that ended with the band giving an ovation to my depleted carcass. I had no intentions of putting on such a show this night, but even the best of intentions can go terribly awry under the influence of Jagermeister.
The Morning Star arrived with about 8 other friends most of whom I knew and were present at last year's spectacle. Plug and Hooter were scheduled to arrive any minute and with our powers combined the likelihood of forming like Voltron was extremely high. The Morning Star, his friends, and I caroused and imbibed for an hour or so letting the shots seep into the bloodstream. Around midnight Lucas and T-Bone took their leave of us, perhaps they could sense the oncoming spectacle?
The band's singer arrived and began belting out Aretha Franklin hits. I looked down past the drink in my hand to see my leg twitching to the music. I had called Plug a few times and he kept saying he was coming, but he hadn't showed and I could sense that it was time to blow these people out! Something was about to happen, I just didn't know what. Then the singer asked the crowd a question, "is it anyone's birthday in the house?" I dropped my drink and moved towards the dance floor.
The Morning Star was way ahead of me already telling the singer, "It's my friend Big John's birthday." "Alright Big John!", said the singer, "everyone, let's give Big John a round of applause as he makes his way up to the dance floor!" I arrived on the dance floor and stood next to the singer; everyone in the club stood up and began crowding around the dancing area. The band was playing softly in the background and I began dancing to the singer, staring her in the eyes and throwing my legs and arms about. "Do you know the words to any oldies?", she asked, holding the microphone to my face.
"No.", I lied.
"Well that's ok, let's get you dancing for your birthday!"
The crowd was screaming and the band kicked in, she began singing Proud Mary: "Left a good job in the city". "Booya!", I thought, "I know the shit out of this song!" I busted into a rooster and began singing Proud Mary with her, taking Ike's lines: "workin' for the man every night and day"
"And I never lost one minute of sleep"
"Worryin' 'bout the way things might have been"
"Big wheel keep on turnin'"
"Proud mary keep on burnin'"
"And we're rollin'"
"Rollin'"
"Rollin on a river"
At this point I was almost on the floor, dancin' slow and getting' low. On the next line, BAM, I brought the fuckin' ruckus on this bitch!" I was twirlin' and jumping, twisting, and screaming. Sweat was flying everywhere, the crowd was going fuckin' wild, the singer looked a little shocked, but the band was in overdrive hootin' and hollerin' themselves. Finally, Proud Mary came to an end and the singer called me out, "You lied! You said you didn't know any song lyrics!" I smiled and shrugged my shoulders. Then she asked, "so Big John, why do they call you Big John?" The mic was back in my face, "because my name is Mark." At that moment, the crowd laughed and I knew I had them. I could have taken my leave at that moment, quit while I was ahead, but I decided to keep going, to take this charade wherever it could lead. I think the singer could sense my decision and she nodded at me. The band was playing softly in the background again and the singer asked, "so who here wants to dance with Big John?" Women poured from the throng at the edge of the dance floor. I couldn't believe how many women crowded around me, young and old, big and small they were everywhere. I couldn't really dance with any of them they were so close. Suddenly, I felt hands on my pants pulling and jerking. A woman screamed and pulled my belt off, I pirouetted with the move and turned to see her holding the belt high and the women screaming to touch it. "That's right ladies!", came the singer, "pull all his clothes off if you wanna piece!" Immediately I envisioned the full outcome of the near future in slow motion: women engrossed in a mob mentality ripping my clothes off, me standing there is my briefs with "Junk" written across them, a dude slipping out of the crowd behind me and shiving my kidneys. I saw the looks in the eyes of the women in front of me and knew I had to do something, there was no fucking way I was going to be assassinated at the Gallant Knight after I put on such a show. The singer gave me my out saying, "How old are you today, honey?" "Not that old!", I said into the mic. Let me tell you that when Moses told the Pharaoh's court, "let my people go", he didn't get a laugh as good as I just got. "Big John's a joke maker!", said the singer, "now who was dancing with him!?" The band kicked in, I don't even know what they were playing but I was back to jiving. A few of the women remained and began dancing around me throwing dollar bills at me and tucking them into my pants. It was quite a scene, I was dancing with dollar bills in my hands and all over the floor, women were rubbing up against me, the band was jamming, and the crowd was clapping and cheering like we taking care of that brigand William Wallace.
A giant black woman stepped from the crowd, before her all my other ladies were swept aside. "Big John, you may have met your match!", challenged the singer, "can you take on the big woman?" There are obscure sects of astronomers and physicists that would classify this woman as a planet. At this point, I had the crowd in the palm of my hand and nothing, not even a planet, could stop me. I was drawn to her gravity and the music rolled out of the band as I was pulled into her. "My name is Ambrosia", she told me as the music kicked into high gear. Ambrosia grabbed hold of me and I didn't even know what was happening but she threw me around the dance floor like a rag doll. We fuckin' watusied, we fuckin' "cabbage patched", we did the fuckin' "dog trot", we did every fucking dance there ever was (save the dance of death [fist shaking]). Ambrosia and I were lathered in sweat as the song came to an end. Immediately the band jumped into another song but thankfully the crowd began moving onto the dance floor and I was able to take a graceful leave from Ambrosia and the narcotic that is entertaining the fuckall out of people. Seeing me wander back to my friends the singer cried out, "let's give it up for John!" and the crowd roared and stomped the ground, I gave a bow and slumped into a chair since I was utterly spent. Then came the onslaught of congratulatory visits. Women and dudes came from everywhere to clap me on the shoulder and tell me how kick ass I am, I didn't even have the energy to tell the dudes not to put their fucking hands on me. Women were shoving the dollar bills I had left on the dance floor into my pockets like I was a fucking stripper. I was purchased round after round of terrible shots which I gratefully consumed. All the dancing had sapped the water out of my body leaving only the liquor to course through my veins. It was only one in the morning and I knew that if I didn't vamp soon I would end up in another Fiesta parking lot without any fucking memory, and I wouldn't be as fortunate this time as I was last. So at the height of my acclaim I took my leave of the bar, much to the chagrin of everyone present, to climb in my unit and drive aimlessly around the Big Funky until I could catch my fucking cardinals, get home, and scribble enough notes down about the night to write this post.
That night was kick ass. Being in the lime light is dangerous business but it cured my entertaining bug. It's a shame you weren't there because you don't see kick ass shit like that every day!