I just took a shit and the growler I was perched on changed my whole perspective on shit. I don't mean the toilet changed my perspective on literal shit, as in doo-doo, but that it changed my perspective on a broad philosophical level. You see, every time I flushed (which was a lot) the water pressure was so great that refilling the bowl caused water to splash up above the rim wetting my grundle and all the bits and pieces. Needless to say, it was marvelous. This little tease wasn't as powerful as a bidet since I still had to get down and dirty with the TP but it did make me consider the full implications of bidet use. More specifically, I began wondering why the fuck I don't use bidets exclusively. I mean, that fucking bidet cleans your nasty, shit-covered ass so your hand doesn't have to. Not to mention that it feels good, a fucking bidet is a tongue away from an ass eating. So I get a clean ass and a quasi-ass eating which is a win-win situation in my book. Not to mention you don't have to put your hand down near your brownhole. When I think about it it's pretty god damn crude that I have to use my hand and a wad of paper to rub shit off of myself. Imagine a first person view from your middle finger as it goes in for the first wipe, all that stink, hair, shit pieces, etc.... make you fucking puke. And when you're done all you've successfully accomplished is removing the big pieces of shit and spreading the rest around your ass to remain with you until your next shower. Disgusting. Using your hand to wipe your ass is right up there with virgin sacrifices and hunting/gathering. It's caveman shit, Yo! On the one hand is an ass eating, on the other is walking around with a thin layer of shit all over your ass. Hmm... I'll take the ass eating and I'll take it every god damn time. So where are the fucking bidets America? Is the toilet paper lobby so strong? Fuck if I know. The most technologically advanced nation in the world uses scraps of processed tree to scrape shit around its ass. Laughable. Stupid fucking Americans.