The return to normalcy heralded by the death of the holiday season has yielded two significant changes in my lifestyle. One, the number of nights a week I get completely shitcanned is back to an average of two, down from a liver assailing four. Two, the number of mornings I wake up naked has been subsequently culled. I must say that it is quite refreshing to actually go to sleep naturally instead of passing out from liquor poisoning or passing out on sleeping pills which were the only things capable of overcoming my nausea inducing alcoholic shakes on nights I wasn't drinking. Last night was actually the first Saturday in months where I can remember making the concious decision to go to sleep, it wasn't much of a decision given my inebriated state, but it was a decision none the less, synapses were still fucking firing.
I despise the term "In the spirit of the new year" since it conotes birth and growing where I prefer death and decaying (in a holistic sense of course). As a replacement I use the term "celebrating the death of years past". So, in celebrating the death of years past I've decided to make some predicitons for '04:
1) My candidacy for US President will not be taken seriously due to certain ill conceived age restrictions to my even running
2) I will not be assassinated
3) With my stores of luck mana drained, I will be arrested for something alcohol related
5) I will not win the power ball lottery despite my deserving it
6) I will be tossed out of a strip club for harassing a stripper
7) My downward spiral of self loathing and hatred for generally everything will continue unabated, rendering me increasingly anti-social, violent, and self destructive.
8) The porn world will not show me my dream of dudes throwing up in chicks assholes
Grim indeed, no? Of course, had I made predictions last year they would have been identical and since all but 1 of them came true (that being number 6, despite my best efforts) I anticipate I'll be 87.5% correct come this time in '05 unless my new years resolution of not seeing '05 actually holds which puts me right up there with Nostradamus and Miss Cleo. Unfortunately, I know I'm not that fucking lucky. Now, you might be saying, "hey asshole, if things look that shitty then just do everyone a favor and jump off your fucking balcony!" My reply? Fuck you to hell pussy! I'll grant a favor to everyone when everyone starts to realize they're not the only fucking asshole in this shit box of a world, they leave their goddamn crying fucking baby at home instead of taking it to my restaurants and theaters, they stop rubbernecking on the fucking freeway slowing down thousands of other commuters, and they stop looking for a fucking handout when they generally spend their pathetic lives whining instead of doing! And don't think for a fucking second that I won't jump off this balcony, I'd love to do it actually, to prove my indifference. Just like Don Mega, 44 to the dome is my religion! So why do I stick around this bitch? Because maybe all my predicitons will be wrong, and maybe, just maybe everyone will realize that we live in the world wide westside. I'm a fucking convert, Ice Cube's already invited you, all you gots to do is sign up! You might as well bow down and join this westside shit man, 'cause once you get with this you as G as can mother fuckin' be! Bitch, you know the side, world-mother-fuckin-wide.
I despise the term "In the spirit of the new year" since it conotes birth and growing where I prefer death and decaying (in a holistic sense of course). As a replacement I use the term "celebrating the death of years past". So, in celebrating the death of years past I've decided to make some predicitons for '04:
1) My candidacy for US President will not be taken seriously due to certain ill conceived age restrictions to my even running
2) I will not be assassinated
3) With my stores of luck mana drained, I will be arrested for something alcohol related
5) I will not win the power ball lottery despite my deserving it
6) I will be tossed out of a strip club for harassing a stripper
7) My downward spiral of self loathing and hatred for generally everything will continue unabated, rendering me increasingly anti-social, violent, and self destructive.
8) The porn world will not show me my dream of dudes throwing up in chicks assholes
Grim indeed, no? Of course, had I made predictions last year they would have been identical and since all but 1 of them came true (that being number 6, despite my best efforts) I anticipate I'll be 87.5% correct come this time in '05 unless my new years resolution of not seeing '05 actually holds which puts me right up there with Nostradamus and Miss Cleo. Unfortunately, I know I'm not that fucking lucky. Now, you might be saying, "hey asshole, if things look that shitty then just do everyone a favor and jump off your fucking balcony!" My reply? Fuck you to hell pussy! I'll grant a favor to everyone when everyone starts to realize they're not the only fucking asshole in this shit box of a world, they leave their goddamn crying fucking baby at home instead of taking it to my restaurants and theaters, they stop rubbernecking on the fucking freeway slowing down thousands of other commuters, and they stop looking for a fucking handout when they generally spend their pathetic lives whining instead of doing! And don't think for a fucking second that I won't jump off this balcony, I'd love to do it actually, to prove my indifference. Just like Don Mega, 44 to the dome is my religion! So why do I stick around this bitch? Because maybe all my predicitons will be wrong, and maybe, just maybe everyone will realize that we live in the world wide westside. I'm a fucking convert, Ice Cube's already invited you, all you gots to do is sign up! You might as well bow down and join this westside shit man, 'cause once you get with this you as G as can mother fuckin' be! Bitch, you know the side, world-mother-fuckin-wide.
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