For weeks now the Big Funky has been gripped with Super Bowl fever. Having never been to a Super Bowl I can only listen to all the mother fuckers in this city proclaiming its magnificence and powerful impact on the city and its economy. People are giddy with excitement as they talk about the 250 million dollar impact the game will have on our economy and all the parties, celebrities, and uber-wealthy that will be everywhere.
Perhaps it's because I'm an eternal pessimist or perhaps it's because I don't give one iota of a shit about the fucking Super Bowl but I have not been gripped with excitement concerning the coming game. This 250 million dollar influx of cash isn't going to help me out, I'm not in the retail or restaurant business. Of course, I think the 250 million dollar number is utter horseshit, I just don't see why or how there could be that much of an impact, but regardless of the amount I won't see any of it. The celebrities and uber-wealthy will only serve to over populate my bars and restaurants with fuck noses. I predict immense hate on my part the moment I hear someone actually say they're going to some party because Snoop is going to be there. Snoop is scheduled to be at every fucking party in the Big Funky. He's also bringing his own Crystal because he wants to make sure there's enough in Houston for him and his entourage. One can read between the lines there to see that Snoop just doesn't want to pay $400 a bottle for the shitload of Crystal he'll have to buy to keep up his image. I hate fucking celebrities, I hate them because they bring nothing to the table but hate. I like certain performers (actors, musicians, singers, etc.) and look forward to their next movie or album but I'm never going to be hanging out with any of them on a very long term basis so what the fuck do I care if I ever see them at all. I don't have the fucking time to waste hanging out with people I'm never going to see again. I need to be hanging out with my friends, the people I see on a day to day basis, that buy me drinks, that play Golden Tee with me, that understand and agree with my esoteric hateful whims, that get my jokes, and who will always be around for me. Fuck being around a celebrity just because they're famous. You know what a celebrity brings to the table for me?: a crowd of assholes all clamoring to be around them. So, I can hang out with my friends or I can hang out at a crowded bar with a bunch of fucks hoping to get a word in edgewise with Snoop, or Leo, or Britney, or Justin, or all the other fucks that people who don't know them call by their first names. [spit]
With the exception of the Playboy party, all the other parties can roll their tongues around my buttered apple sack. Here's the rundown:
Milkshake at the Point After: fuck you Jamie Foxx and fuck you Vivica A Fox, and above all fuck a party where you can pay to get in. Do you have any idea how many assholes will fill this place? Why would any self respecting celebrity host a party you could pay to get in? That just means the celebrities will be swarmed with people wanting to get a look at them who wouldn't have the opportunity otherwise, and they don't care because they're only interested in the quick buck. I know some other people who know they're getting fucked but don't care because they want the money, they're called prostitutes.
The Ricky Williams Texas Jam: Ricky, you were fucking awesome when we were at Texas together, but fuck your party with Snoop, fuck the fact that you can pay to get in, fuck the fact that it's at Champp's Americana, and fuck the notion that I'd want my picture taken with your Heisman trophy.
Now it really gets sick.
2004 Houston Celebrity Celebration: "The Best Damn Sports Show's Ray Crockett hosts a night of celebrity spotting and the Miss Super Bowl Hawaiian Tropic. Invited guests: Sean William Scott, Jason Biggs, Vince McMahon, Christian Slater, Tom Arnold, Snoop Dogg , and John Salley." [spit] Kiss my fucking ass! This fucking party is at the Marq*E in west Big funky which means it's outside "the loop", on the bright side it should be absolutely covered in Mexican gang bangers, and you can even pay to get in! Yay!
Houston Players of the NFL and Magic Johnson Celebrity Party: A party hosted by Magic AIDS Johnson, Biz Markie, and Mango Punch! Plus, it's only $75 to get in! Magic Johnson, you used to be a good basketball player, now you're a cheating faggot hanging out with Biz Markie for $75 a head, oh, and you're dying. Stop taking your pill cocktail and slip off quietly into the night before you embarrass yourself further.
Super Celebrity Fashion Extravaganza: "Kelly Rowland, Pamela Anderson, Vivica A. Fox, Carmen Electra, Kim Cattrall, Steve Francis, Snoop Dogg, and Roger Clemens will model fashions by Tootsies and Festari for Men." I can't even make shit this terrible up. Although I will say it's a charity event and tickets are $1,000 which makes this party OK in my book. Of course it's probably only $5 of that $1,000 ticket going to charity but at least the high price tag would keep out the uncouth masses.
Superbowl Friday -- A Savior Affair: "Hosted by Sean "P. Diddy" Combs. Invited guests: Ashton Kutcher and Snoop Dogg. 9 p.m. Tickets: $75-$500. HUSH, 15625 Katy Freeway." Everything about his sucks ass. How long can P. Diddy ride Biggie's coat tails, I bet Puffy killed Notorious himself. What the fuck does "invited guest mean"? It means Ashton Kutcher won't be anywhere near this fucking sack is what it means. HUSH is in deep, deep west Big Funky and for $75 if you want to be at a party stacked with white-trash and Asian gang bangers I left the address in above.
Ecobowl 2004: "Hosted by Shannon Elizabeth, Ed "Too Tall" Jones, Snoop Dogg, and Gregg Zaun. Roger Creager will perform. 9 p.m. Tickets: $40. Wild West, 6101 Richmond Ave." If you knew how bad Wild West sucked ass you'd actually feel sorry for Shannon Elizabeth and Gregg Zaun. At 40 bones a ticket the average age at this fuck fest should be 13.
Playboy's Fifth Annual Super Saturday Night: "Featuring February cover model Jaime Pressly, Playmates and invited celebrities and athletes." This is the place to be. Why? Three words: by invite only. Well, that and the fact that it's Playboy which has stayed cool for 50 years while Hustler and Penthouse turned trashy and Maxim stole a lot of their readership.
The Red Carpet Star Walk: "Walk the red carpet then mingle with R&B, hip-hop, sports, movie and TV stars or watch from bleacher seats. Invited guests: Beyoncé, R. Kelly, Gerald Lavertt, George Clinton, Nick Cannon, and Snoop Dogg. Bleacher/viewing area opens at 6 p.m." Ha, ha, ha! [spit] Ha! ...bleachers!? Ha! Anyone who would actually pay to sit in bleachers and watch Nick Cannon should be put to death. [spit] Unless you get to see R. Kelly piss on someone, that would be cool.
The Maxim Superbowl Party: I hate you Maxim. I used to think you were cool; you had airbrushed pictures of hot girls in bikinis, columns on how to play practical jokes on my friends, and stories about unfortunate assholes that had their dicks cut off by household appliances. Then I grew up a bit and realized the garbage you provide is white trash food for the soul and only vaguely interesting in a primal way. Fitting, since your bullshit party isn't even in the Big Funky, it's in Rosenberg about 30 minutes south west of the Big Funky and since you can pay to get in it should be appropriately covered in white trash dudes. Behold, Maxim, your readership. Yea, it's the most sought after party ticket because it's the most read magazine in the world. And just because you're the most read magazine in the world doesn't mean that you're cool, in fact it's quite the opposite. How cool can it be if everyone's doing it?
Fuck all these parties, fuck 'em to hell. And all the parties I didn't list, fuck them to hell also. At least I can avoid the listed parties, it's the unlisted one's I fear most of all. The party hosted by Bruce Willis and Stephen Baldwin, or the Denver Broncos, that's what I fear. These phantom parties that I know are out there but I don't know where, they're the ones that are going to ruin my good nature. Fucking Super Bowl…
I used to watch the Super Bowl for the commercials, since I don't give a shit about the teams. This year the commercials will be dominated by erectile dysfunction advertisements which should successfully sap what little fun was still to be had out of this most watched of sporting events. Lucas calls it the Pee-Pee bowl since it's the Patriots vs. the Panthers. I call it the Shit bowl because I hate it so much I don't even want to waste my time naming it something clever.
Let me take a moment to give a little shout out to Snoop since I know he's an avid reader of the Deuce Goose: Snoop, Lucas and I have discussed this at length and it's time for you to get your ass out of dodge. If I keep seeing your ass in television commercials I'm going to throw up because you're an ugly mother fucker and that will make me stop thinking your cool. Also, ease off the "for shizzles" and the "nizzles" and every other fucked up combination of consonants and vowels that you can rhyme with "izle", it's fucking played. Yes, it's genius that you've discovered a rhyming loophole but Eminem did it years ago when 8 Mile came out and he rhymed 'Plant' with 'Plant', the difference is he only used his loophole once as opposed to you littering your speech with yours as if you can't rhyme with real words anymore. When white people start using your 'izle' rhyming scheme in contempt rather than adulatory mimic it's time for a little come-to-Jesus meeting with yourself. It boils down to this Snoop, you're too fucking white. You need to get back to your roots. Everyone knows you smoke a lot of pot and like to chill but no one cares, you were cool back when people knew you smoked a lot of pot and liked to chill but you also killed people. That's what made you a gangster Snoop, not being in Nokia commercials, get with the fucking program or go hang out with Tupac 'cause maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder or some shit.
Perhaps it's because I'm an eternal pessimist or perhaps it's because I don't give one iota of a shit about the fucking Super Bowl but I have not been gripped with excitement concerning the coming game. This 250 million dollar influx of cash isn't going to help me out, I'm not in the retail or restaurant business. Of course, I think the 250 million dollar number is utter horseshit, I just don't see why or how there could be that much of an impact, but regardless of the amount I won't see any of it. The celebrities and uber-wealthy will only serve to over populate my bars and restaurants with fuck noses. I predict immense hate on my part the moment I hear someone actually say they're going to some party because Snoop is going to be there. Snoop is scheduled to be at every fucking party in the Big Funky. He's also bringing his own Crystal because he wants to make sure there's enough in Houston for him and his entourage. One can read between the lines there to see that Snoop just doesn't want to pay $400 a bottle for the shitload of Crystal he'll have to buy to keep up his image. I hate fucking celebrities, I hate them because they bring nothing to the table but hate. I like certain performers (actors, musicians, singers, etc.) and look forward to their next movie or album but I'm never going to be hanging out with any of them on a very long term basis so what the fuck do I care if I ever see them at all. I don't have the fucking time to waste hanging out with people I'm never going to see again. I need to be hanging out with my friends, the people I see on a day to day basis, that buy me drinks, that play Golden Tee with me, that understand and agree with my esoteric hateful whims, that get my jokes, and who will always be around for me. Fuck being around a celebrity just because they're famous. You know what a celebrity brings to the table for me?: a crowd of assholes all clamoring to be around them. So, I can hang out with my friends or I can hang out at a crowded bar with a bunch of fucks hoping to get a word in edgewise with Snoop, or Leo, or Britney, or Justin, or all the other fucks that people who don't know them call by their first names. [spit]
With the exception of the Playboy party, all the other parties can roll their tongues around my buttered apple sack. Here's the rundown:
Milkshake at the Point After: fuck you Jamie Foxx and fuck you Vivica A Fox, and above all fuck a party where you can pay to get in. Do you have any idea how many assholes will fill this place? Why would any self respecting celebrity host a party you could pay to get in? That just means the celebrities will be swarmed with people wanting to get a look at them who wouldn't have the opportunity otherwise, and they don't care because they're only interested in the quick buck. I know some other people who know they're getting fucked but don't care because they want the money, they're called prostitutes.
The Ricky Williams Texas Jam: Ricky, you were fucking awesome when we were at Texas together, but fuck your party with Snoop, fuck the fact that you can pay to get in, fuck the fact that it's at Champp's Americana, and fuck the notion that I'd want my picture taken with your Heisman trophy.
Now it really gets sick.
2004 Houston Celebrity Celebration: "The Best Damn Sports Show's Ray Crockett hosts a night of celebrity spotting and the Miss Super Bowl Hawaiian Tropic. Invited guests: Sean William Scott, Jason Biggs, Vince McMahon, Christian Slater, Tom Arnold, Snoop Dogg , and John Salley." [spit] Kiss my fucking ass! This fucking party is at the Marq*E in west Big funky which means it's outside "the loop", on the bright side it should be absolutely covered in Mexican gang bangers, and you can even pay to get in! Yay!
Houston Players of the NFL and Magic Johnson Celebrity Party: A party hosted by Magic AIDS Johnson, Biz Markie, and Mango Punch! Plus, it's only $75 to get in! Magic Johnson, you used to be a good basketball player, now you're a cheating faggot hanging out with Biz Markie for $75 a head, oh, and you're dying. Stop taking your pill cocktail and slip off quietly into the night before you embarrass yourself further.
Super Celebrity Fashion Extravaganza: "Kelly Rowland, Pamela Anderson, Vivica A. Fox, Carmen Electra, Kim Cattrall, Steve Francis, Snoop Dogg, and Roger Clemens will model fashions by Tootsies and Festari for Men." I can't even make shit this terrible up. Although I will say it's a charity event and tickets are $1,000 which makes this party OK in my book. Of course it's probably only $5 of that $1,000 ticket going to charity but at least the high price tag would keep out the uncouth masses.
Superbowl Friday -- A Savior Affair: "Hosted by Sean "P. Diddy" Combs. Invited guests: Ashton Kutcher and Snoop Dogg. 9 p.m. Tickets: $75-$500. HUSH, 15625 Katy Freeway." Everything about his sucks ass. How long can P. Diddy ride Biggie's coat tails, I bet Puffy killed Notorious himself. What the fuck does "invited guest mean"? It means Ashton Kutcher won't be anywhere near this fucking sack is what it means. HUSH is in deep, deep west Big Funky and for $75 if you want to be at a party stacked with white-trash and Asian gang bangers I left the address in above.
Ecobowl 2004: "Hosted by Shannon Elizabeth, Ed "Too Tall" Jones, Snoop Dogg, and Gregg Zaun. Roger Creager will perform. 9 p.m. Tickets: $40. Wild West, 6101 Richmond Ave." If you knew how bad Wild West sucked ass you'd actually feel sorry for Shannon Elizabeth and Gregg Zaun. At 40 bones a ticket the average age at this fuck fest should be 13.
Playboy's Fifth Annual Super Saturday Night: "Featuring February cover model Jaime Pressly, Playmates and invited celebrities and athletes." This is the place to be. Why? Three words: by invite only. Well, that and the fact that it's Playboy which has stayed cool for 50 years while Hustler and Penthouse turned trashy and Maxim stole a lot of their readership.
The Red Carpet Star Walk: "Walk the red carpet then mingle with R&B, hip-hop, sports, movie and TV stars or watch from bleacher seats. Invited guests: Beyoncé, R. Kelly, Gerald Lavertt, George Clinton, Nick Cannon, and Snoop Dogg. Bleacher/viewing area opens at 6 p.m." Ha, ha, ha! [spit] Ha! ...bleachers!? Ha! Anyone who would actually pay to sit in bleachers and watch Nick Cannon should be put to death. [spit] Unless you get to see R. Kelly piss on someone, that would be cool.
The Maxim Superbowl Party: I hate you Maxim. I used to think you were cool; you had airbrushed pictures of hot girls in bikinis, columns on how to play practical jokes on my friends, and stories about unfortunate assholes that had their dicks cut off by household appliances. Then I grew up a bit and realized the garbage you provide is white trash food for the soul and only vaguely interesting in a primal way. Fitting, since your bullshit party isn't even in the Big Funky, it's in Rosenberg about 30 minutes south west of the Big Funky and since you can pay to get in it should be appropriately covered in white trash dudes. Behold, Maxim, your readership. Yea, it's the most sought after party ticket because it's the most read magazine in the world. And just because you're the most read magazine in the world doesn't mean that you're cool, in fact it's quite the opposite. How cool can it be if everyone's doing it?
Fuck all these parties, fuck 'em to hell. And all the parties I didn't list, fuck them to hell also. At least I can avoid the listed parties, it's the unlisted one's I fear most of all. The party hosted by Bruce Willis and Stephen Baldwin, or the Denver Broncos, that's what I fear. These phantom parties that I know are out there but I don't know where, they're the ones that are going to ruin my good nature. Fucking Super Bowl…
I used to watch the Super Bowl for the commercials, since I don't give a shit about the teams. This year the commercials will be dominated by erectile dysfunction advertisements which should successfully sap what little fun was still to be had out of this most watched of sporting events. Lucas calls it the Pee-Pee bowl since it's the Patriots vs. the Panthers. I call it the Shit bowl because I hate it so much I don't even want to waste my time naming it something clever.
Let me take a moment to give a little shout out to Snoop since I know he's an avid reader of the Deuce Goose: Snoop, Lucas and I have discussed this at length and it's time for you to get your ass out of dodge. If I keep seeing your ass in television commercials I'm going to throw up because you're an ugly mother fucker and that will make me stop thinking your cool. Also, ease off the "for shizzles" and the "nizzles" and every other fucked up combination of consonants and vowels that you can rhyme with "izle", it's fucking played. Yes, it's genius that you've discovered a rhyming loophole but Eminem did it years ago when 8 Mile came out and he rhymed 'Plant' with 'Plant', the difference is he only used his loophole once as opposed to you littering your speech with yours as if you can't rhyme with real words anymore. When white people start using your 'izle' rhyming scheme in contempt rather than adulatory mimic it's time for a little come-to-Jesus meeting with yourself. It boils down to this Snoop, you're too fucking white. You need to get back to your roots. Everyone knows you smoke a lot of pot and like to chill but no one cares, you were cool back when people knew you smoked a lot of pot and liked to chill but you also killed people. That's what made you a gangster Snoop, not being in Nokia commercials, get with the fucking program or go hang out with Tupac 'cause maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder or some shit.
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