Below, I've copied something that is fucking awesome. Originally, when I posted this, I attributed the letter to Andy Rooney since the email that contained this rant claimed it was Rooney's. At the time I thought, "shit, I fucking hate Andy Rooney... but this is gold... fuck it. It turns out, rather marvelously I think, that Andy Rooney did not say this shit and, in fact, he detests the email and considers it vulgar, mean spirited, and racist. Thank God. Thank God I can put Rooney safely back in my hatebox where he fucking belongs. That being said, the letter is still fucking awesome, so I'll leave it posted after removing anything that might suggest Rooney shit it out. Furthermore, I'm going to edit the letter with some of my personal thoughts, my comments will be in black and italicized.

"I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.
I like Mercedes Maybachs, Rolls Royce Phantoms, and other such uber cars. I like mega yachts. I like motorcycles with side cars, so long as I get to ride in the side car. I like big houses. I like big fires, camp or otherwise. While I like the hate in the last sentence about crack addicts squirting out babies, crack addicts are not exactly what I hate about the government taking my money. Taxes are necessary, but I'm a fan of a big sales tax and no income tax, make me pay my taxes on each item I buy not some lump sum.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
This fits nicely with my belief that 50% of "drunk driving" accidents are actually caused by the "sober" driver but get pinned entirely on the "drunk". If I had a penny for the number of times I've said, "Hey, the only thing I know about your dead kid is that it probably wouldn't be dead if you had put a seat belt on him and not been pushin' on me."
On the other hand, who the fuck but a criminal needs an automatic handgun? (besides me, of course)

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
Agreed, except this is petty and a waste of my time.

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
Agreed, see above.

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America.
I will chime in that I dig BET. Also, why the fuck are only black organizations listed. Isn't there a United Wetback College Fund this shithead could pounce on, or Miss Crout America?

Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.
There's truth in this. Fuck Jesse Jackson. Reverend my ass, he's a fucking stooge

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off. When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I guess. Although it generally turns out that 30% of the population is black and 70% of the crime is committed by blacks. If the before statement is true, (I don't have any hard proof to back the numbers up, and I don't believe anyone does without having a racial discrimination card poised to follow) then racial profiling is something that should be used to a degree. Obviously, that holds true for any race or social class. When I go into a bar and I get carded but the old man next to me doesn't I was just a victim of profiling, but I certainly don't feel abused. That old man earned his right to not be carded by living on this fucking planet long enough. As soon as blacks or mexicans or whoever, are committing less crimes than the other social groups in the region they'll have earned the right not to be profiled.

I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
Shit yea. English for Americans... and so on. Of course, I can pay my house keeper what I do because she doesn't speak English so... maybe there's a happy medium somewhere.

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.
I guess... Although, the whole father and grandfather dying bit is a bullshit sympathy grabber. Fuck my father and grandfather, you can have enough respect for me and everyone else even if my father's still alive.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I do hate cops... but... agreed.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
I'm not entirely sure where this came from. I don't know anyone, regardless of where they came from, that can't scrounge up some reason to be qualified for a government sponsored loan. In fact, I'll go so far as to say the above statement is a bullshit whine and I hate it.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.
Whatever. I agree with the sentiment but I can't think of anything specific where something like this affected me. (which is all I give a fuck about anyway)

I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
Fuck me that's terrible. Hell's Angels are fools and I lump anyone with extreme political views in with them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more.. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy who invented the Internet to help you.
Not sure where this came from, but it sounds like someone wants to suck Bill's dick.

"I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me french fries!
I don't see why a tattoo couldn't be a political statement, particularly if it was of a political nature. The lip ring rant, well that assumes people have a tendency to perform any acts of common courtesy, which, of course, they don't.

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe.
Agreed. I'll use the above statement as a precursor to the race rant I've been building up inside me. To sum it up: I don't give a fuck if your black, white, mexican, asian, russian, whatever. I hate you all the same. I may be yelling one minute about blacks, using every discriminatory term I can muster, but I can guarantee you I hate whites and mexicans and every other mother fucker out there just as much. Yea, I'm a fucking racist, because I hate every fucking race I know of. There's not a race out there where every mother fucker I've met that's part of it was a great person. No matter what race it is, most of the people in it want to shiv my ear, or are miserable in some other fashion.

Looking back, I agree less with the letter than I at first thought, but it's still awesome if only for all the hate in it.

This morning I was reminded of the Peter Griffin quote from Family Guy: "let's drink till we can't feel feelings anymore." I was reminded of it because I couldn't feel anything when I woke up and excessive drinking was the root cause of my ailment. That's not entirely true, while excessive drinking was the culprit in my situation, I could feel something, I could feel my brain pulsating in it's cage of bone and flesh; my brain wanted out and I would have done anything to let it go. So, beyond excruciating pain in my head and neck I couldn't feel anything. It was bizarre, moving my legs through the sheets of my bed elicited nothing resembling a feeling besides increased nausea. I reached for my glass of water only to realize drinking from it would require sitting up, so I just opened my mouth and poured water into it. Naturally, I ended up pouring water all over my face and then coughing up any water that actually made it into my face hole.
Another night of being overserved. I swear to shit, my Sundays are becoming eerily similar. In the same way my cat knows that my waking up in the morning means he's about to eat, I know that waking up on a Sunday means I'm going to feel exactly like a big sack of shit. I've grown terrified of Sundays, I wrote a long time ago (July 20th) that I hate Sundays, that sentiment has only grown more powerful. I should go ahead and mark off all the Sundays on my calendar: busy. meeting with Grim Reaper.
It's almost 5 o'clock and the horrible sickness of being I experienced this morning is but a bad dream ready to be remembered next Sunday. My body aches all over, probably from unconscious bodily convulsions caused by my organs fighting against the tsunami of alcohol given them last night. Curious that all the separate organs of my body were fighting for their lives when all I wanted to do was die. It feels like someone gave my spine what-for with one of those mini baseball bats they hand out on "bat day" at stadiums. Of course, I'm smart enough to know that no one hit me with a mini bat; I'm just experiencing my body's way of telling me "fuck you!" Fuck me indeed.
You know what else though, besides me being fucked? Fuck Bono. That's right, Bono from U2. That arrogant piece of shit! Running around telling everyone we need to clear third world debt. It's fucking easy to tell people to forgive a debt owed them when your money's not involved. Sure world wide poverty is bad, but you didn't give a shit about it until you became the richest Mick on the planet. Next time those fuckers in Burkina Faso need another loan because they dammed all their rivers and burned down all their trees we'll send them to you. They only need 41.5 million (dollars, not potatoes) this year, you can hand it over to them and then absolve them of it immediately afterwards. Yea, I expect that will happen right after the Columbia lands.