I make myself so fucking mad sometimes. You would think that as mad as other people are constantly making me that I could at least abstain from doing shit myself that would piss me off too, but you would be wrong.
I got liquored up last night, went home, and cooked up a ten pack of Hungy Jack biscuits. A fucking ten pack. God dammit, I make myself so mad sometimes. I had no fucking business eating those biscuits. Now I'm going to be cooking some steaks or something, want some biscuits, and kick my own ass when I remember that I wasted those delicious biscuits on late night eating binge I can't even fucking recall. The evening was so nice too, and I had to ruin it at the end. I had been dining and drinking with an older crowd, managed to keep my shit together (mostly), and didn't blackout. It was the brown-out at the end that brained me. I lasted damn near the entire night without retreating into my hateball and scowling at everyone and everything around me. The claim I made about tossing a crying baby out into the street was my only minor setback. Better yet, this morning, I didn't even have a real hangover, I mean I felt like shit but it's already cleared off by 10am. All the making of a successful evening right? Then the events of my brown-out scampered back into memory.
I woke up this morning pleased with myself that I didn't go to Whataburger last night. Fuckin' late night dining, it's so fucking good but I'm so pissed with myself in the morning when I realize what I did. Seriously, if you're going to eat something as bad for you as a double Whataburger and fries or a ten pack of Hungry Jacks in this case, you should fucking remember how good it tasted. Idiot.

Lucas and I decided to dine at the Pappas Hamburgers on Saturday of last week before the University of Texas football game. For some reason, all the good hamburger joints in West Big Funky were closed. Neither of us had eaten at Pappas Hamburgers but all the other Pappas restaurants are pretty good. The setup is interesting, you order from the front, take a seat, and then you get a waiter. So your waiter is only responsible for bringing you your food and drinks, not taking the order. So, we sit down at a booth and some jimmie strolls up to us. This fool is a few years younger than us and I can tell by the look in his eyes he's going to try and pull that we're-the-same-generation-so-I-can-be-'cool'-with-you routine. Needless to say, I hated him before he said his first word. Then this fucker spoke and I was blown away. I'll relate to you the conversation.

Idiot:   "Hey...er...I should say, Howdy!"

Lucas and I just stared at him and then each other. Did he just say 'howdy to us? Mother fucker, we're in orange shirts!

Idiot:   "Let's see what we got hear...two double, doubles...heh, nice. So, we got us a big game today, huh?"

Lucas and I are visibly confused. I respond, "sure."

Idiot:   "So, did you go to A&M too?"

I notice the question was aimed at me. The early stages of panic are setting in. Why the fuck would this asshole be asking me that? Again, I spit out a brief answer, "no."

Idiot:   "Well, not everyone can be perfect!"

I smiled at him. He didn't recognize my smile as seething hate.

At this point the fool mentioned something about checking on our order and 'gig 'em'ing something. I stared at Lucas wide-eyed. Lucas said, "Is this fuck talkin' shit?" The words "do you wanna get the fuck out of this place" were on the tip of my tongue, but the fool returned to our booth with a strange look on his face.

Idiot:   "That's not an Aggie ring...", he said pointing to Lucas' finger.

Lucas:   "No. It's a University of Texas ring."

I would like to say that the expression on this guy's face erased all my hate for him, but it didn't. I hate him to this day, but his reaction was priceless. His mouth was gaping and he began blathering apologies on us. His face became beat red with embarrassment. "Man, I'm a fucking idiot!", he kept repeating. Lucas and I just smiled at his anguish. He left the booth twice only to come immediately back and point out his mistakes, "I asked you if you went to A&M, you said 'no', and I said 'well nobody's perfect'....I'm sorry, I'm an idiot." Yes, yes he was an idiot. He was an idiot for making the ridiculous mistake of assuming two guys in orange shirts went to A&M because one of them wore a class ring. Lucas was wearing a University of Texas Ducks Unlimited hat for Christ's sake! In fact, he was far more than an idiot, he was a fucking insult; an insult to me, an insult to Lucas, and an insult to Texas A&M for producing such a worthless sack of shit. 'Hey asshole! If you go to A&M why the fuck are you working at Pappas Burgers on a Saturday in October in the Big Funky.' Maybe it's because you don't go to A&M? Maybe it's because you go to fucking Blinn and you're taking a semester off because the entry-level math course you had to take last spring knocked you on your ass, you knew an elementary logic course was coming next, and you knew you have no business making logical decisions and observations due to your obvious, crippling, mental retardation. 'You know you're a fucking idiot, why push your luck with us and make an ass out of yourself?' Welcome to my fucking hatebox fool. I gave the kid a tip at the end of the meal, 'don't ever fucking talk, ever again.'

Oh yea. The burgers were shit.

Reckless Endangerment, Driving While Intoxicated, Larceny, Failure to Utilize Turn Signal, Driving Under the Influence, Conspiracy to Employ Poison or Analogous Weapons, Attempted Arson, Attempted Manslaughter, Speeding, Public Intoxication, Drawing, exhibiting, or using deadly weapon other than a firearm, Public Indecency, Making Threats to commit a crime which will result in death or great bodily injury to another person.


Which of the above crimes and misdemeanors did I commit or attempt to commit last Saturday night?
   A.   None of the above
   B.   Some of the above
   C.   All of the above

Hint: The answer is not B