It was 2:30 or so in the morning, last Saturday. Hooter, the Plug, and I had just finished a fantastic feast at the local Taco Cabana. A large group of black women and their single, male companion had walked out of the Cabana a few minutes before us and had congregated in the parking lot. This was not only a large group of black women but also a group of large, black women. From past experience I know that my judgments on a female's weight are spot on, and I didn't detect a woman in this group that weighed less than 200 pounds. Did I mention they were drunk? I really didn't need to I guess, who else besides drunks patron a Taco Cabana at two-shorty on a Saturday morn.
The Plug, Hooter, and I walked out of the Taco C and stopped on the parking lot curb to observe the social habits of this aforementioned group. They seemed to be of high spirits, of course, they had just fed. The male amongst them, Wesley (pronounced: wez-lee) was receiving a good portion of attention, I believe he was trying to pick out a mate for the night. Just then, 3 women who had previously split off from the pack returned, one woman, LaShaun seemed particularly chagrined. LaShaun burst into the middle of the group proclaiming, "Somebody better stop me or I'm gunna hafta kill my ass a white girl! I jus got in ma car, that Tahoe over there pulled up next to me, 3 white bitches got out, and one of them hit ma car with their door and didn't say a word!" There was confusion in the group. It was obvious to me that LaShaun was the Alpha female and not until she left the group to get into her car did Wesley establish his new roll as the Alpha male. LaShaun's triumphant return to the group put Wesley in an awkward position. How could Wesley select a mate for the evening when LaShaun held sway over the pack? LaShaun demanded the death of a white girl, Wesley had to comply with her wishes himself in order to solidify his position as the group provider. As the other women were extracting further details and threats out of LaShaun Wesley played his card, "I gotta pistol in my trunk! I'll go get it." Wesley's strategy was a bold one, but one that paid off because LaShaun had no interest in waiting for Wesley to extract a pistol out of his trunk. Wesley made the offer to get his pistol, the offer was refused, and Wesley maintained a position that, while not Alpha status, left him viewed as a protector and thus still acceptable as a mate. Wesley was able to relinquish control of the group to LaShaun under the pretense that his help had been dismissed, given that there's very little chance Wesley even had a pistol in his car, he played his hand masterfully.
With LaShaun in the lead, the group rushed the Taco Cabana, nearly bowling over me, Hooter, and the Plug in the process. At this point, Hooter began proposing that we leave under the auspices that cops were certainly coming and there was potential for a shooting. Naturally, I denied his request, mostly because I really wanted to see what was coming next, but also because "assassinated in a gangland slaying" is pretty fucking high up on my list of obituary titles. Not 30 seconds after the group ran into the Cabana did they come rushing back out into the parking lot. There was quite a clamor as they piled out the door screaming plenty of "fuck you bitch"s and other linguistic delights. It seems LaShaun confronted the trio of white girls while they were waiting in line to order. While I don't know exactly what they discussed, I'm sure it was eloquent.
Back in the parking lot, the group began discussing their options. LaShaun was becoming increasingly emotional. LaShaun, believing that all their talk was leading nowhere, took the reigns and decided on the most obvious and logical course of action, she was going to kick the Tahoe. At this point the off-duty police officer hired by Taco C to keep the peace decided to intervene. Since I was never able to ascertain the police officer's name, he will be referred to henceforth as: Lawman Turtle. Lawman Turtle intercepted LaShaun and began questioning her motives. LaShaun explained how the "white bitches" hit her car and that it was fully within her rights to kick the Tahoe. Lawman Turtle didn't see things LaShaun's way. One of the other women in the pack went to LaShaun's aid. As it turns out, the white girls also had a lone, male companion, James, and James came out of the Taco C to speak on their behalf to Lawman Turtle. Lawman Turtle and James developed instant rapport, not because they were both white and male, but because James remained calm and collected while LaShaun was screaming out accusations and flailing her arms about with violent intent. Negotiations seemed to have come to a halt until one of the white girls showed up. Let me point out that this was all hallows eve, the white girls were dressed in Catholic school girl uniforms, and they were hot. The white girl marched directly up to the black girl and threw her hands out in the "you want some of this" pose; she was the picture of defiance. LaShaun went ballistic. She backed up shaking her head at the white girl saying, "this bitch wants to go? Oh! I'm goin to get ready!" LaShaun took off her earrings and bracelets in preparation for an all-out Taco C parking lot brawl. Lawman Turtle stepped between the women telling them to separate and telling LaShaun to get her friends and leave. Wesley walked over and pulled LaShaun away from Lawman Turtle, James, and the white girl. The white girl, without ever having said a word, marched back into the Taco C. LaShaun was throwing a fit, screaming, "You fucking bitch! Eat my pussy! Eat my fucking pussy, bitch!" Lawman Turtle yelled out, "Yea, that's what the women in the pen are going to do to you when you get sent downtown!" LaShaun replied, "I been to the pen! I'm aint scared of shit! Eat my pussy!"
At this point LaShaun and 2 other women from the group got in LaShaun's car. It appeared that the ordeal was over and Hooter and I were headed for my car, but LaShaun backed the car up into the parking lot so she could continue to talk shit. LaShaun singled Hooter out, "mother fucker, don't you fucking stare at me! You got a fuckin problem mother fucker? Eat my pussy!" Hooter, sagely, raised his hands in surrender, "no ma'am I'm not starring at anything, I think you're right, I agree with your position." Hooter pleased LaShaun, so LaShaun looked for another victim, and saw Lawman Turtle headed our way. "Fuck you cop! Fuck you, you fucking pig! Eat my pussy!", screamed LaShaun at Lawman Turtle. Lawman Turtle was situated behind her car now, taking down her license information. LaShaun continued screaming, "Fuck you cop! You're just a fucking rent-a-cop, I know you can't do shit! Eat my fuckin pussy! Take down my fucking license, you can't do shit! Eat my pussy!" Lawman Turtle used his radio to call in backup. Hooter turned to me with a big grin on his face, "this is fuckin awesome!" Awesome indeed Hooter, awesome indeed. LaShaun, sensing the imminent threat of predators, let out one last, defiant "eat my fucking pussy!" and peeled out of the Cabana parking lot. LaShaun left none to soon, it wasn't two minutes before the Cabana was crawling with the royal blue sedans of The Big Funky police department. The Plug left in his own unit, and Hooter and I slipped out in mine. I had been over-served that all hallows eve and didn't want to get caught up in any po-po shenanigans.
So, what is the lesson to be learned from this encounter? That black women consider the phrase, "eat my pussy" as the gravest insult they can produce. "Eat my pussy" is tantamount to "go fuck yourself" in my vernacular. It's interesting that "eat my pussy" is considered an insult. I mean, there are lots of times when if I heard a woman yell at me, "eat my pussy" they wouldn't have to say it twice before I dove in. Shit, I'm looking for someone to yell that at me! LaShaun seemed to be saying that her pussy was so fucking foul and rancid that to eat it would be death or at least a bad stomach ache. Quite the cultural gap. Needless to say, "eat my pussy" has become the insult de jour amongst my peers in the Big Funky. I suggest you use it as well, it is marvelous. Eat My Pussy!
The Plug, Hooter, and I walked out of the Taco C and stopped on the parking lot curb to observe the social habits of this aforementioned group. They seemed to be of high spirits, of course, they had just fed. The male amongst them, Wesley (pronounced: wez-lee) was receiving a good portion of attention, I believe he was trying to pick out a mate for the night. Just then, 3 women who had previously split off from the pack returned, one woman, LaShaun seemed particularly chagrined. LaShaun burst into the middle of the group proclaiming, "Somebody better stop me or I'm gunna hafta kill my ass a white girl! I jus got in ma car, that Tahoe over there pulled up next to me, 3 white bitches got out, and one of them hit ma car with their door and didn't say a word!" There was confusion in the group. It was obvious to me that LaShaun was the Alpha female and not until she left the group to get into her car did Wesley establish his new roll as the Alpha male. LaShaun's triumphant return to the group put Wesley in an awkward position. How could Wesley select a mate for the evening when LaShaun held sway over the pack? LaShaun demanded the death of a white girl, Wesley had to comply with her wishes himself in order to solidify his position as the group provider. As the other women were extracting further details and threats out of LaShaun Wesley played his card, "I gotta pistol in my trunk! I'll go get it." Wesley's strategy was a bold one, but one that paid off because LaShaun had no interest in waiting for Wesley to extract a pistol out of his trunk. Wesley made the offer to get his pistol, the offer was refused, and Wesley maintained a position that, while not Alpha status, left him viewed as a protector and thus still acceptable as a mate. Wesley was able to relinquish control of the group to LaShaun under the pretense that his help had been dismissed, given that there's very little chance Wesley even had a pistol in his car, he played his hand masterfully.
With LaShaun in the lead, the group rushed the Taco Cabana, nearly bowling over me, Hooter, and the Plug in the process. At this point, Hooter began proposing that we leave under the auspices that cops were certainly coming and there was potential for a shooting. Naturally, I denied his request, mostly because I really wanted to see what was coming next, but also because "assassinated in a gangland slaying" is pretty fucking high up on my list of obituary titles. Not 30 seconds after the group ran into the Cabana did they come rushing back out into the parking lot. There was quite a clamor as they piled out the door screaming plenty of "fuck you bitch"s and other linguistic delights. It seems LaShaun confronted the trio of white girls while they were waiting in line to order. While I don't know exactly what they discussed, I'm sure it was eloquent.
Back in the parking lot, the group began discussing their options. LaShaun was becoming increasingly emotional. LaShaun, believing that all their talk was leading nowhere, took the reigns and decided on the most obvious and logical course of action, she was going to kick the Tahoe. At this point the off-duty police officer hired by Taco C to keep the peace decided to intervene. Since I was never able to ascertain the police officer's name, he will be referred to henceforth as: Lawman Turtle. Lawman Turtle intercepted LaShaun and began questioning her motives. LaShaun explained how the "white bitches" hit her car and that it was fully within her rights to kick the Tahoe. Lawman Turtle didn't see things LaShaun's way. One of the other women in the pack went to LaShaun's aid. As it turns out, the white girls also had a lone, male companion, James, and James came out of the Taco C to speak on their behalf to Lawman Turtle. Lawman Turtle and James developed instant rapport, not because they were both white and male, but because James remained calm and collected while LaShaun was screaming out accusations and flailing her arms about with violent intent. Negotiations seemed to have come to a halt until one of the white girls showed up. Let me point out that this was all hallows eve, the white girls were dressed in Catholic school girl uniforms, and they were hot. The white girl marched directly up to the black girl and threw her hands out in the "you want some of this" pose; she was the picture of defiance. LaShaun went ballistic. She backed up shaking her head at the white girl saying, "this bitch wants to go? Oh! I'm goin to get ready!" LaShaun took off her earrings and bracelets in preparation for an all-out Taco C parking lot brawl. Lawman Turtle stepped between the women telling them to separate and telling LaShaun to get her friends and leave. Wesley walked over and pulled LaShaun away from Lawman Turtle, James, and the white girl. The white girl, without ever having said a word, marched back into the Taco C. LaShaun was throwing a fit, screaming, "You fucking bitch! Eat my pussy! Eat my fucking pussy, bitch!" Lawman Turtle yelled out, "Yea, that's what the women in the pen are going to do to you when you get sent downtown!" LaShaun replied, "I been to the pen! I'm aint scared of shit! Eat my pussy!"
At this point LaShaun and 2 other women from the group got in LaShaun's car. It appeared that the ordeal was over and Hooter and I were headed for my car, but LaShaun backed the car up into the parking lot so she could continue to talk shit. LaShaun singled Hooter out, "mother fucker, don't you fucking stare at me! You got a fuckin problem mother fucker? Eat my pussy!" Hooter, sagely, raised his hands in surrender, "no ma'am I'm not starring at anything, I think you're right, I agree with your position." Hooter pleased LaShaun, so LaShaun looked for another victim, and saw Lawman Turtle headed our way. "Fuck you cop! Fuck you, you fucking pig! Eat my pussy!", screamed LaShaun at Lawman Turtle. Lawman Turtle was situated behind her car now, taking down her license information. LaShaun continued screaming, "Fuck you cop! You're just a fucking rent-a-cop, I know you can't do shit! Eat my fuckin pussy! Take down my fucking license, you can't do shit! Eat my pussy!" Lawman Turtle used his radio to call in backup. Hooter turned to me with a big grin on his face, "this is fuckin awesome!" Awesome indeed Hooter, awesome indeed. LaShaun, sensing the imminent threat of predators, let out one last, defiant "eat my fucking pussy!" and peeled out of the Cabana parking lot. LaShaun left none to soon, it wasn't two minutes before the Cabana was crawling with the royal blue sedans of The Big Funky police department. The Plug left in his own unit, and Hooter and I slipped out in mine. I had been over-served that all hallows eve and didn't want to get caught up in any po-po shenanigans.
So, what is the lesson to be learned from this encounter? That black women consider the phrase, "eat my pussy" as the gravest insult they can produce. "Eat my pussy" is tantamount to "go fuck yourself" in my vernacular. It's interesting that "eat my pussy" is considered an insult. I mean, there are lots of times when if I heard a woman yell at me, "eat my pussy" they wouldn't have to say it twice before I dove in. Shit, I'm looking for someone to yell that at me! LaShaun seemed to be saying that her pussy was so fucking foul and rancid that to eat it would be death or at least a bad stomach ache. Quite the cultural gap. Needless to say, "eat my pussy" has become the insult de jour amongst my peers in the Big Funky. I suggest you use it as well, it is marvelous. Eat My Pussy!
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