I have to drive to Austin tomorrow at 7am. I’ve been working my ass off this week in preparation for what’s going down at a meeting at the capitol tomorrow. I’d go into more detail but it’s rather boring. If all goes as planned, however, then I’ll get to give the proverbial finger to an entire neighborhood of white trash mother fuckers who tried to put the kibosh on a money making endeavor. Capitalism FTW! (hopefully)

In honor of this potential victory I present for your viewing pleasure the grossest sexual act I’ve seen in weeks that doesn’t involve feces and a harelip.

Pulling out doesn't work. Condoms break. The pill isn't reliable. Abstinence is a pipe dream. Masturbation only delays the inevitable. And waiting until marriage is for Mormons. Cockteasing Mormons... hate. So clearly, that leaves us with only one choice:

Anal Sex. Twice the degradation, half the guilt.

Between too much work at the office and too much Warcraft in my castle I'm too fucking tired to put together another full post. Instead, I'm going to steal a video Darkstar found posted on Entensity.net for your viewing pleasure.

Behold this wizard's awesome powers!

Back on February 25 of 2005 I wrote a post detailing the steps I was taking to procure for myself an AWOL 1 liquor vaporizing machine. Within days of writing that post an AWOL 1 was delivered to my private estate, the SDF2, however no follow up post was ever written about the machine. Almost two years later let me pull back the curtain and reveal why this seemingly miraculous device wasn’t glorified on these hallowed pages.
The AWOL 1 sort of sucks and is pretty much useless.
I know. I didn’t want the dream to end either. Finding out there isn’t a wonder machine that will instantly fuck you up and leave you hangover free in the mornings is like finding out Santa isn’t real or that your mom and dad don’t actually love you.
As you can imagine when I first got the machine I was extremely excited. I took loads of pictures of the unboxing and the machine itself. I never posted those pictures after the machine’s disappointing results. I’d post the pictures now but I’ve long since deleted them and even though I’m using the AWOL 1 right this second as a footrest I’m too depressed about it to go to the trouble to take new pictures. The AWOL is like your retarded brother who’s not retarded enough to get doted on by the general public but too retarded to succeed at anything besides using the toilet by himself so society casts him aside.
Here’s how the machine works. There’s a Bunsen burner looking plastic device that connects to the shoe box sized main AWOL unit with some rubber hose. On the top of the Bunsen burner piece is a small cup where several plastic cones are supposed to rest inverted inside each other and while you would think them pointless the machine will not operate without the cones in the proper order which can be pretty confusing since no instructions are given concerning their proper order. You pour your liquor into the cup containing the cones. You don’t pour much liquor either, probably one third to one half of a shot (and don’t think about pouring more than that limited amount, the one instruction that came with the machine is very clear that more than that amount of liquor will result in an explosion – hurray!). On top of the cup goes a plastic funnel and on the tip of the funnel you put a cardboard tube that’s about an inch long. The cardboard piece is supposed to be hygienic since you can throw it away after all your whores use it, but yeah right am I going to throw away such a well crafted piece of cardboard, pshaw. When you first turn on the machine it seems impressive, vaporized alcohol immediately spews forth from the cardboard tube. It’s when you put the cardboard tube to your lips and inhale that all your dreams come crashing down. No matter how hard you inhale you won’t get all the vaporized liquor unless you cough which ruins it and vapor drops condense around your mouth and nose so you need a handy napkin. You sit there for a while passing the Bunsen burner-esque device amongst your friends and about 15 minutes later the cup’s supply of liquor has run out and it’s time for a refill. There’s the final rub. It takes 15 minutes to vaporize one third to one half a shot of liquor and in that time one person could potentially ingest 50% of the vapor. Think about how many real shots you could take in 15 minutes? Conservatively, I don’t think 3 shots in 15 minutes is out of line for some early evening drinking to get the party started. The reason you don’t get a hangover with the AWOL is not because you’re ingesting the alcohol in your lungs it’s because you never get drunk enough to have a hangover in the first place. The math just doesn’t work.
What’s worse (for me at least) is that if you put aside all the obvious snake oil and think about the device and the way it must work without getting caught up in the hype it’s pretty obvious what the result would be because there’s only so much liquor you can ingest as a vapor in your lungs. Every schoolboy knows that liquids expand when phase changing into gas so right off the bat you should know that a mouthful of vaporized liquor isn’t nearly as potent as a mouthful of actual liquor. In fact, that half a shot of liquor would vaporize into just about one cubic meter of gas. Let me bypass the mental heavy lifting by saying that before buying the machine some simple math should have told me that inhaling the vaporized liquor would take 100 times longer than just taking the liquor strait. Instant gratification my fucking ass.
So there’s the deal. The AWOL does actually work. It does vaporize alcohol and if one had the patience and didn’t mind sitting at home by themselves instead of going out one could get fucked up on the device though it would take at least 3 hours of pretty heavy breathing. But I didn’t want the AWOL for 3 lonely hours of huffing, that’s what the dumpster behind the Sherwin-Williams down the street is for. I wanted it for sexy parties where everybody got shithoused on my miracle robot and then I had to fight off women with a bat because they demanded the services of my hog. Alas, it is not to be. At least the AWOL makes a decent footrest and interesting conversation piece. Sort of. Not really. Whatever. Fuck you.

PWN3D V

By this point, you all know the deal. Get your tickets out - I need to see everyone's ticket - because the pain train's about to leave the station.

Meet Dheng!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Dheng!
Date: Nov 4 2006 3:10 PM
Subject: hi

do you mind goin for a guy?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 4 2006 3:35 PM
Subject: RE: hi

Sure, you know any?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Dheng!
Date: Nov 4 2006 3:36 PM
Subject: RE: RE: hi

I'm talking about me. Do you mind going for a filipino?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 4 2006 3:37 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: hi

If you changed the "he" in your name to a "u," then your name would be Dung. Oh wait, I mean Dung!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Dheng!
Date: Nov 4 2006 3:38 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: hi

oh! lol! So you cool with me?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 4 2006 3:43 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: hi

Yeah, I'm cool with you. So when are you available to supe up my Honda?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Dheng!
Date: Nov 4 2006 3:45 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: hi

As soon as you can get my big engine to run.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 4 2006 3:51 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: hi

I've got a better idea. How about you get that "big engine" of yours running by yourself while I call INS.

Speaking of illegal immigrants, meet another scholar who’s probably posing in front of the mirror, holding a 9MM sideways and trying out different line readings for, “Say hello to my little friend.”

Meet WESO27TRAMP

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: WESO27TRAMP
Date: Nov 3, 2006 11:03 AM
Subject: No Subject

was upsexy what itdo

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 3, 2006 11:08 AM
Subject: RE: No Subject

Does talk like that ever actually attract anything besides your overweight primas?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: WESO27TRAMP
Date: Nov 3 2006 1:06 PM
Subject: RE: RE: No Subject

was up let kick it

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 3 2006 2:39 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: No Subject

Let me see if I can write this in a way you'd understand, scrapeback...

Yo PaPi, i No LiKeY cHuLo pEnDeJoS.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: WESO27TRAMP
Date: Nov 3 2006 5:12 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: No Subject

what

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 3 2006 5:25 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: No Subject

Are you still trying to email me? Be a good boy and go mouth-fuck a shotgun.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: WESO27TRAMP
Date: Nov 3 2006 5:37 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: No Subject

fuck you white trach bitch

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 3 2006 5:45 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: No Subject

Aw, does this mean I'm not invited to your quinceañera, beandip?

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, the common thread uniting this batch of morons is the inability to differentiate interest from disinterest. Which probably goes back to them being molested or something… what am I, a fucking psychologist?

Meet Breavon

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Breavon
Date: Nov 3, 2006 12:51 AM
Subject: No Subject

though that i write you in hope that you get back at me tonite.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 3 2006 11:18 AM
Subject: RE: No Subject

What's going on tonight? Is Friday when the soup kitchen lets you bring a plus one?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Breavon
Date: Nov 3 2006 4:20 PM
Subject: RE: RE: No Subject

what is happening with you tonite?Me and my girl is just going to kick back.See if we can get into some hot chat with someone.

Yes, he’s actually trying to sweeten the pot with this fug-monster below.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 3 2006 5:06 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: No Subject

Sorry, I wouldn't feel right having cyber sex with you because you're already in a relationship.

And also because cyber's fucking retarded.

And also because your woman looks fucking retarded.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Breavon
Date: Nov 3 2006 5:20 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: No Subject

okay u say u not into cyber sex thats what it says on the first line of your profile but u say u love roleplaying isnt that the same thing

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 3 2006 5:26 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: No Subject

Cyber sex and roleplaying aren't even remotely the same thing. Cyber is mutual masturbation facillitated through the discussion of sex via computer. Roleplay is pretending your partner's something they are not to increase stimulation during intercourse. For example, if we were to roleplay together, you might pretend that I was your school teacher while I would pretend that your flaccid, fifty year old penis was actually capable of giving me an orgasm.

Here’s another crotch that just doesn’t get it. But he’s from one of those non-American countries that considers fried dog a culinary masterpiece, so at least he has an excuse.

Meet Artin

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Artin
Date: Nov 3, 2006 9:27 AM
Subject: No Subject

i think im faling in love whit your ass if that is possibel..

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 3, 2006 8:07 PM
Subject: RE: No Subject

If only you could fall in love with correct grammar.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Artin
Date: Nov 3, 2006 12:09 PM
Subject: RE: RE: No Subject

excuse me, im from sweden and english isnt my best subjekt as you can see..

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 3, 2006 9:10 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: No Subject

At least you have those super smooth pick up lines to fall back on.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Artin
Date: Nov 3, 2006 12:11 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: No Subject

lucky me...

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 3 2006 12:17 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: No Subject

Lucky you? More like fugly you.

Artin’s not the only foreigner who possesses a stronger grasp on his penis than he does on the English language.

Meet hasan

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: hasan
Date: Nov 3, 2006 12:48 AM
Subject: No Subject

hi
how am u
am u alone now

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 3 2006 11:21 AM
Subject: RE: No Subject

No, I'm not alone now. You'll have to wait until later to try and rape me.

This next guy wins the grand prize as this batch’s moron of morons. He “loves anything with a risk” and yet won’t post a picture of his face. Don’t crash the CPU of your brain machine trying to reconcile this walking contradiction. Just read, enjoy, and know that I love you.

Meet bruce

----------------- Original Message -----------------

From: bruce

Date: Nov 9 2006 11:29 AM

Subject: HOT

Hey whats up?---Love anything with a risk

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 9 2006 7:19 PM
Subject: RE: HOT

That explains why it burns when you pee.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: bruce
Date: Nov 10 2006 8:44 AM
Subject: RE: RE: HOT

What?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 10 2006 11:54 AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: HOT

Sorry. I meant to say...

U R so seXxXi. cAn we pleeeeeeeeeez FUK????

Douchebag.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: bruce
Date: Nov 10 2006 1:11 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: HOT

Sure babe, but you better rest up:)

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 10 2006 11:15 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: HOT

Rest up? Why? Does it take a lot of effort to contract gonorrhea?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: bruce
Date: Nov 11 2006 8:26 AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: HOT

No safesex for me

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 11 2006 11:24 AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: HOT

Safe sex for you would mean that halfway through the act I hit you in the balls with a sledgehammer to make sure you're incapable of passing your idiot DNA to another generation of mouth breathers.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: bruce
Date: Nov 11 2006 5:11 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: HOT

That would hurt---Not fun

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 11 2006 6:56 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: HOT

You can't be a real human. You must be one of those super intelligent apes that can type or use sign language.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: bruce
Date: Nov 11 2006 6:59 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: HOT

Yes, and you must be smarter than I thought

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 11 2006 7:11 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: HOT

Excellent observation, Koko. Here's a banana.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: bruce
Date: Nov 11 2006 7:22 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: HOT

Maybe you can use it--I dont like them

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 11 2006 7:24 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: HOT

That's because you're not supposed to peel the banana before you stick it up your ass.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: bruce
Date: Nov 11 2006 7:26 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: HOT

You first

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 11 2006 7:38 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: HOT

Wow. What a burn. I can see you now in front of your keyboard screeching, "Ooo ooo, aah aah!" while leaping around, shitting in your hand and flinging it against the monitor.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: bruce
Date: Nov 11 2006 7:43 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: HOT

What the fuck are you talking about

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 11 2006 7:51 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: HOT

Whoah - are you a psychic monkey too? "What the fuck are you talking about?" is exactly what I think every time I open one of your emails!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: bruce
Date: Nov 11 2006 7:55 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: HOT

I was thinking the same thing

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Date: Nov 11 2006 8:08 PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: HOT

You were thinking? I don't believe it. If you'd said you were picking lice off the other monkey in your cage, I'd believe that. But thinking? Too farfetched.

Fuck Jack in the Box. Has anyone ever actually eaten anything from that sack and enjoyed it? I know there are some assholes out there who will respond with , “Dude! I fuckin’ love their tacos!” Idiots. Deep frying a bundle of questionable meat product and lettuce bound in a corn tortilla-esque shell does not a taco make.
Only on very rare occasions do I fold and actually consume anything from Jack in the Box, probably on the order of once every two years. That much time between visits is more than enough to reaffirm my opinion that their “food” is nothing short of poison. Looking over their menu for this post I almost doubled over in agony from the psychic assault dealt by even reading things like “Sirloin Steak ‘n’ Chedder Ciabatta”, “Sourdough Ultimate Cheesburger”, and “Southwest Chicken Pita – no salsa”. I recoil in horror as my mind brings forth the memories the last time I pushed down a “Jack’s Spicy Chicken” and I had to put a damp cloth on my brow after reading “Egg Roll (3)”, the memory too ghastly to put to words.
Jacks’ burger meat is substandard even for fast food establishment standards and it’s taste and consistency is most inline with that of dirt. Their chicken is rubbery and tastes like old play-doh (not fresh play-doh, because that‘s delicious). Has anyone eaten one of their ciabatta bread sandwiches? Jack in the Box went to such lengths with their advertising campaign to define the taste of their new bread because without those commercials in the back of your mind one would initially believe they had ordered a stale fart sandwich. Sourdough Jacks taste like bitter dirt. Jack in the Box cheese tastes like air and their spicy chicken tastes like hurt.
Not only is their food of extremely dubious quality but also their menu decisions seem equally poor. Fish & Chips is decidedly British fare which isn’t bad in and of itself but why would a subpar eatery want an association with a country known for some of the worst food on the planet? Egg Rolls? Why do you want to associate your food with a country that regularly incorporates dog into their meals? Extreme Sausage® Sandwich? What benefit does Jack in the Box get from associating a breakfast item with the sweetest gay porn this side of Deep Inside the Manhole 14?
Jack, the Jack in the Box mascot, is a dick head – figuratively and literally. Freud would have had a field day with that asshole. Beyond the fact that Jack is little more than an albino nutsack with genital warts and a baby penis he makes very poor business decisions. Why would Jack fire that guy’s niece cheerleader when he could have banged her in his office? Who wants to follow a leader that won’t bang a cheerleader that’s on the payroll? Not me.
The bottom line is this: Jack in the Box food is some of the worst tasting tripe made available to the general public. And you shouldn’t eat at Jack in the Box but once every blue moon to keep yourself appraised of the low standard in fast food so you can better appreciate the Whataburgers and Wendy’s of the world.
I would say fuck McDonald’s too but I truly don’t have the intestinal fortitude required to brave an extended session of perusing their menu.

“Shut up, hippie.”
- anonymous bumper sticker author

Gene Roddenberry, creator and executive producer of Star Trek had a great love for humanity. Episodes such as “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield” were effective parables outlining the evil of racism and prejudice on par with other socially conscious science fiction of the 60s like Planet of the Apes or The Twilight Zone’s “Obsolete Man” and “Eye of the Beholder.” Roddenberry believed very much that we will never conquer interstellar flight and extraterrestrial colonization until we as a people conquer our hate. That’s why in addition to uber-Aryan James T. Kirk manning the Enterprise, you’ll also find Scotty, the booze-swilling engineer from Scotland. Uhura, Nubian goddess of communications. Sulu, the Asian pilot co-navigating with the Russian Chekov. And Spock, a deformed autistic case probably from somewhere in the Middle East. The message is clear – put aside our petty racism and nationalism, and we can fly into space like Captain Kirk and fuck three-tittied Martians. But Roddenberry wasn’t always about the love. There was one group of people he despised. Gene Roddenberry hated hippies.

Filthy, lazy, drug-smoking hippies. What have they given the world besides drum circles, patchouli oil and tofu? Hippies are to society as the appendix is to the human body – completely fucking useless. And much like the appendix, sometimes hippies get inflamed for no reason and need to be removed. When the 60s started, hippies were all about free love and experimentation which sounds harmless. But left to their own devices, everything imploded before the decade’s end. STDs ran rampant thanks to all the fuck-making. Heroin replaced marijuana as the drug of choice on Haight-Ashbury. And flower-power preachers incited their congregation toward grisly murders. Read your history books - Charles Manson was a smelly hippie too. Consequently, on February 21st, 1969, Gene Roddenberry cried, “ENOUGH!” and aired a cautionary tale entitled “The Way to Eden.” And believe it or not, the villains in this episode were space hippies.

Filthy, lazy, drug-smoking space hippies.


Dr. Sevrin (pictured above) spends his time brainwashing the respectable youth of the cosmos with his hippie propaganda, then turning them against their parents. He’s got his followers convinced there’s a planet named Eden where they won’t have to live under the thumb of authority, which in hippie-speak means they can ball each other without rubbers and smoke as much grass as they want. One of the kids is Tongo Rad (I wish my last name was Rad), son of a Catuallan ambassador.


Tongo Rad’s association with Dr. Sevrin damages the good work his father does for the Federation, but do you think this spoiled brat gives two galactic shits whether or not his fellow Catuallan’s are blasted into oblivion by the encroaching Klingon empire? No, he’s too busy making bongo drums out of hemp.


Speaking of hemp bongos, another misled member of Dr. Sevrin’s crew of malcontents is Adam, an interstellar folk music sensation played by Charles Napier. This is a gifted character actor; you probably know him from more patriotic and authoritarian roles like Col. Briggs on the A-Team.

In “The Way to Eden,” Roddenberry proves that the only thing worse than hippies are space hippies. I watched this episode last night and can't stop thinking about how it is simultaneously the most absurd and most genius episode Star Trek produced during its three year run. Everything in it is some sort of parallel and rebuke of the hippie counter culture. Too many damnations to recall, I’ve decided that a second viewing is required to properly catalogue how effectively Roddenberry motherfucked this movement of shirtless freeloaders. And so, inspired by Johnny Deuce’s past live blogs of the World Cup and Deadwood’s season 2 premiere, I now give you…

Live Blogging Star Trek episode #75: “The Way to Eden”

00:19
The Enterprise finds a stolen ship called The Aurora flying through space. Kirk has orders to detain the vessel, but instead of receiving the Enterprise’s tractor beam, the Aurora hauls ass for the Romulan Neutral Zone. This is like when a dopehead runs from the cops and tries to make it to the Mexican border so that he can hide with the other drug-trafficking illegal aliens.

01:20
The Aurora flies so fast that the ship is going to explode. Seconds before meltdown, Scotty beams the Aurora’s passengers to the Enterprise. Further to the previous car chase analogy, this is like when the fleeing dopehead drives so fast and crazy down the highway that he runs over innocent children and puppies before plowing into a telephone pole.

02:26
Upon teleporting the Aurora’s passengers aboard, Scotty immediately recognizes them as space hippies and makes no attempt to conceal his disgust. Awesome.

04:15
The first thing the space hippies do is sit down in the transport room and refuse to report to sick bay for examination. That’s right – the soap dodgers aren’t on board two minutes before staging a sit in.

05:23
Tongo Rad calls Kirk a “Herbert.” This is the space hippie equivalent of being called a “square.”

06:01
This dialogue below is sampled in the intro of White Zombie’s “Starface” from their superior 1992 release, La Sexorcisto: Devil Music Vol. 1.

Spock: One.
Dr. Sevrin: We are one.
Spock: One is the beginning.
Adam: Are you one, Herbert?
Spock: I am not Herbert.
Adam: He's not Herbert – we reach.

07:05
Kirk informs the flower children that whether or not they recognize authority, he’s still the authority on the Enterprise (I get hard when Shatner says shit like this). Adam replies, “Oh Herbert, you are a stiff!” This line is sampled in the outro of the aforementioned “Starface.” Rob Zombie is officially under suspicion of hippie-dom.

08:11

Chekov tells Kirk that he knows one of Dr. Sevrin’s followers, the girl Irina. They schooled in Starfleet Academy together until she “dropped out.” As in tuned in, turned on and dropped out? Oh Roddenberry, you delicious bastard you.

11:05
Adam plays some sort of space guitar while singing of Eden:

Looking for the good land
Goin’ astray
Don’t cry, don’t cry
Oh, I can’t have honey
And I can’t have cream
Gonna live, not die
Gonna live, not die
Stand in the middle of it all one day
Look at it shinin’ all around me and say
I’m here, I’m here!
In the good land, in the new land
I’m here

Yep. Sounds like Simon and Garfunkle hippie nonsense to me.

14:03
Chekov’s making time with his old girlfriend Irina. Since I could care less about anyone getting space pussy besides Kirk, I lose interest immediately. A quick check of Star Trek's Wikipedia for “The Way to Eden” reveals that Charles Napier actually wrote the songs he sings in this episode. I am appalled.

15:50
The space hippies stage a protest outside the ship’s lab. Imagine that – hippies protesting outside a lab.

16:14
Bones reveals that Dr. Sevrin’s carrying a disease, some junk-gunk called the Synthecoccus Novae virus. Ah, so the space hippie’s secretly spreading space-AIDS with all his free hippie space love. You make me sick, Sevrin.

18:35
Kirk informs the space hippies that Dr. Sevrin will be quarantined until they think he’s medically safe. In response, Adam gets up and sings, “Stiff man putting my mind in jail; And the judge bang the gavel and say no bail; Gonna lick his hand and wag my tail!” Smart money says Charles Napier’s more proud of the scene in Silence of the Lambs when Hannibal Lector eats his face.

21:13
The design on Dr. Sevrin’s oversized ears is so bad it’s brilliant. I bet Gene Roddenberry told the makeup people something like, “…and make sure his hippie ears are big enough so that the scumbag can hear the Grateful Dead from the back of the auditorium.”

24:15
Spock plays his Vulcan harp for Adam. Adam says, “That’s now! That’s real now! I reach that, brother, I really do. Hey, how about a session? You and us? It would sound! That’s what I came for. I wanted to ask great white captain upstairs, but he don’t reach us.” If I hadn’t seen this the night previous, I’d think the “session” Adam’s inviting Spock to would be one of their hippie space orgies. Instead, he’s merely asking him to come to a jam session.

27:35
Irina uses her feminine wiles on Chekov, and he tells her how to fly the Enterprise. She’ll use this knowledge to help the space hippies plan a mutiny. The lesson here is that hippie women are just as deceptive as regular women.

29:25
Adam plays his space guitar at the jam session and sings:

I’m talkin’ ‘bout you
I’m talkin’ ‘bout me
Long time back, when the galaxy was new
Man found out what he had to do
Found he had to eat and he found he had to drink
And a long time later he found he had to think
Yes, think
I’m standing here wondering
What?
If a man tells another man, “Out of my way”
He piles up trouble for himself all day
But all kinds of trouble come to an end
When a man tells another man, “Be my friend”
Uh huh, my friend
Well, what’s it going to be?
There’s a mile-wide emptiness between you and me
Can’t reach across it, hardly even see
Someone ought to take a step one way or other
Let’s say goodbye or let’s say, “Brother”
Brother, brother!
Hey out there (x4)
I see you (x4)
Let’s get together and have some fun
I don’t know how to do it but it’s got to be done

Transcribing these lyrics felt like taking one of those shits in which your sphincter doesn’t cooperate with your colon, and you end up breaking off the deuce with a quarter of it left inside. You won’t feel clean again until taking a shower.

32:45
Spock starts to jam with the space hippies on his Vulcan harp. Watching this feels so uncomfortable that I have to turn off the sound and listen to something else or I might actually die of embarrassment. How about… “Starface” by White Zombie? I’ll copy and paste the lyrics for “Starface” below. Think of them as the mental shower to wipe your anus clean.

September in the rain, her sweat come a frozen onto my skin
Eliminate the outerspace and I’m swingin’ down it again
Synchronize me, fall away
I believe that I’m wicked on the way
Look alive now!
Yeah! Stars explode my eyes
I been down a long time
Days crawl away and die
Forever is a long time
Remember howling crazy like at the moonlight superfly
A penetrating powerman baby, I’m painted in the sky
Iron fister on the hour
Paralyzing demon flower
Yeah! Stars explode my eyes
I been down a long time
Days crawl away and die
Forever is a long time
Surround the pain, the love’s insane
Got a pseudo-systematic gain
Careening through the neon side
A horizontal mind collide
Harum scarum holiday
Double dealing on the ones who say
“Collapse me with a power blast”
Ground to zero rolling fast
Ride the glide, treasure side
Got a wooden symbol soul inside
Freeze the heart, a razor tear
Pack attack she doesn’t care
If the pillow Jacob sky
Snatch the pad, I don’t deny
Been a long time
Been a long time
Step into the wind and watch a red girl come alive
Screaming to the world, “I diggin’ on the fact that you will not survive”
Radiate me, walk away
You shook the devil’s dig-deep hand today
Yeah! Stars explode my eyes
I been down a long time
Days crawl away and die
Forever is a long time
A million miles an hour
Million miles an hour
Million miles an hour
Let’s get inside

37:47
Odd. These White Zombie lyrics make even less sense than Napier’s space hippie word salad, and yet I don’t feel the need to punch something in the throat after reading them. Rob Zombie, you sir are no hippie. Apologies.

38:00
The space hippies highjack the Enterprise and head to Eden (I guess they found the planet while I was listening to the sweet, sweet M3T4L). Dr. Sevrin records one of Adam’s tunes. I’m sorry, but I just don’t have the energy to transcribe another one of these awful fucking songs. I am now convinced that Napier made a career of playing cops, military men and other establishment-type individuals as penance for this role.

40:43
Dr. Sevrin broadcasts Adam’s song through the ship at an ultra high volume, crippling the crew. I find this plot point extremely believable.

41:14
Fucking Napier’s fucking singing a-fucking-gain.

44:37
The space hippies have made it to Eden. Kirk and the usual suspects beam down to recapture them. While there, Chekov touches a flower, and it burns his hand. After a quick tricorder check, Bones determines that all the plants on Eden are full of acid. Acid you say? Hmmm…

45:25
Spock discovers Adam dead on the ground. There’s a piece of fruit next to him with a bite taken out of it. That’s right folks – the hippie died from eating bad acid. Genius. Unadulterated genius.

47:05
Dr. Sevrin doesn’t believe the warning about the acid, eats the fruit anyway and dies. You see kids, when the loud speaker at Woodstock tells you not to eat the brown acid, you’d better listen. Who’s the asshole now, Herbert?

In summation, please enjoy this GIF image.